So this is my first time posting something I’ve written on this website. I’ve only really just got back into the swing of writing things again and this particular one shot has been worked on for almost a year. I hope, because of that, it has gotten the justice it deserves.There is lots of Logan and Kendall angst in this one-shotsongfic, so be prepared for upsetting scenes that may be sensitive to some of you. The disease discussed in this is serious and a massive problem to normal, every day people. I hope you like it and that by writing this, I have raised awareness of a big problem. Remember, charities are there to research new cures, so DONATE! And on that note, please enjoy ~swagupwindowsdown 🙂 x
Take a breath, I pull myself together
Just another step until I reach the door
You’ll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you
He breathed deeply as he tried to steady his shaking hands. It never got any easier. You would think that after all this time, just taking the steps of the same path he had been walking nearly every day for months on end would be at least something that didn’t make him a nervous wreck. But it was never that way. And as he ascended the staircase that would lead him to his love, it didn’t become any easier. How could it?
He had learnt a long time ago to take the staircase rather than the elevators. It bought him time, gave him a few moments longer than the elevator would to compose himself and put on his brave façade that he always wore around the brunette he was longing, yet dreading to see. But nothing could ever buy him the amount of time he would ever need to ever get over it. He could never get over it. This was something that was just too big to simply brush under the carpet.
Every moment had merged and blurred, so that now it seemed as if he were in one continuous oblivion of sadness and fear. This same oblivion made it seem as if the journey was far too long and drained him of energy even though it was only a few flights of stairs that he had to conquer. He felt as if he had no more energy to burn and was running on empty. The last of the peanut butter had been scraped out of the jar of his life, leaving just something to throw away.
He shook his head as he neared his destination. People walking by him either gave him looks of sympathy, knowing why he was here or at least guessing from what ward he was on, or they looked away completely, not strong enough to be able to face the inner turmoil going on within his young body. A 19-year-old shouldn’t have to deal with this sort of thing. Too bad fate saw it differently.
I wish that I could tell you something
To take it all away
Shivering at the feel of the cool, wooden door with the familiar chips in the corner, he silently pushed it open. The old thing protested under the weight of his hand, but he kept on going until it was as far as it would stretch. Sometimes, he felt as though he could not stretch any farther as well. He may not be old like the entrance to the room, but he was certainly tired.
The room was the same as they always depict it on those same over-exaggerated hospital shows. Same white walls. Same white ceiling. Same white window letting in a few, miserable beams of sunlight. The bed was even the same. Well the same in the fact that it was white. What wasn’t the same for Kendall was the person lying upon it.
The man he was looking at was just a shell of his former self. He had become frail as his body thinned. It didn’t take in all the nutrients that he would need from the food he ate and most of the food he did manage to consume ended coming back up. His skin itself was like a glacier, all white and almost translucent in some places. He may have been pale before, but this was taking it to the extreme.
His face was gaunt and shallow, his hair growing thin and brittle so that it was way too easy to pull a whole clump out. But what got to Kendall were his eyes. Before this all started, one of the most beautiful things about his boyfriend was his eyes. The way they sparkled in the sunlight and even when the clouds rolled over, there was always a pleasant gleam in the midst of the chocolate-brown pools. Not only that, but they always looked happy, big and round. Kendall found that he could sink into them for ages and ages, so much so that he could drown in them if it were possible.
Now, however, they were dull and lifeless. Although they still looked somewhat mellow and they were still big and round, they weren’t just filled with happiness anymore. He knew that his boyfriend put up barriers, trying to make Kendall think that he was better than he actually was, but he could see past him. That’s the sort of person he was. He never wanted to be a burden or make people worry about him. With him, it was always everyone else before his own wellbeing. But after knowing him for almost all his life, Kendall could spot the hidden pain in his eyes. In fact, now anyone could. As the time went by, it became obvious how much pain he was in without even looking into his eyes. Just one look his quivering form and you knew. But now, it seemed that all those barriers had dropped and when you did look into them, there was no way of avoiding the pain withheld in them.
And there was nothing he could do.
Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there’re so many things that I want you to know
I won’t give up till it’s over
If it takes you forever I want you to know
Coming round to the right side of the bed, he moved some of the many bouquets of flowers that were always sent to his love. People adored him and everyone wanted him to get better. Slowly taking his familiar place in the same white, plastic chair, he smiled slightly as he saw the small man sleeping. He slept a lot recently, but he knew that he needed as much as he could get.
And as he sat there, he thought about all that had happened before. From when they had met on that little playground in third grade. James and Carlos had been too preoccupied making mud pies to notice, but he saw that tiny little body getting kicked over and over by the 5th grade bullies. He was new, fresh from Texas and seemingly a bully magnet with his smart, academic nature and his small, scrawny stature. The boy had done nothing wrong as far as he could tell, so without thinking about it anymore, he rammed his head straight into those boys’ stomachs. They soon ran off, scared of what else he could do.
He had turned back around then; face softening as he heard the whimpers leaving the little boy’s pink lips. He had offered a hand, trying to help him back onto his own two feet, but it had gone unnoticed. Being the forward little guy he was, he had then taken to placing his long fingers underneath the small boy’s arms and hoisting him up again and brushing the dirt off of his pants. Big brown eyes had turned up to look at him with wonder and he could remember the first four words spilling out of his mouth, totally typical for him at that age.
“Do you like hockey?”
“I said do you like hockey? It is the absolute bestest sport ever! I’m gonna be on the Minnesota Wilds when I’m older.”
The small boy giggled. “It’s best.”
“Best…never mind…I-I’ve never played hockey before” he blushed, cheeks flaming in embarrassment.
“Well now you’re in Minnesota, you have to learn! I could teach you!” the taller one exclaimed excitedly.
“I…I can’t skate.”
“Well that doesn’t matter! Best friends teach each other things all the time and I can teach you how to skate! You’ll be great in no time!”
“Best friends?” the little boy asked, hope bursting through and putting a big grin on his face.
“Yeah! Best friends” the taller smiled “and you can meet James and Carlos as well, they would love to meet you and be best friends too!”
“Yeah…I’m Kendall, by the way.” The blonde introduced, bowing afterwards for effect.
The other giggled again “I’m Hortense.”
“Well then, Hortense, would you like to join me and those two goofballs over there in making the biggest ever mud pies?” he asked in his best, knightly voice.
Hortense’ face grew until it was covered by an ear-splitting grin and he nodded.
“I would like that.”
Now that they were older, Kendall didn’t believe in fairytale endings any more. He knew they were only make-believe and didn’t exist in the real world. But he only wished that for Logan’s sake that they did. Kendall wanted to be his knight in shining armor; he wanted to be able to save Logan from this beast that had overtaken his body, rather than feeling so utterly useless all the time. What could he do? Be there for him when he was throwing his guts up, retching until his throat was sore or when he had to face the horrible fact of his hair falling out. But he could only be there, only comfort him. He couldn’t make it go away like he wanted to. Really, he could do nothing.
Briefly, he thought of what could happen if things took a turn for the worse. He never liked to think this way, but sometimes it just crept up on him without him even knowing and then he had to think about it to make it go away. Would Logan pull through?
He was already weakened so much, the endless rounds of chemo and the illness itself punching away at every part of his now frail body, never giving in. If he died, would Logan know just how much Kendall cared about and loved him? When Logan was awake, he would want to tell him so many things, he wanted to pour his heart and soul out to him, but he could never find the right words. He needed Logan to know just how much he loved him, just in case his time came sooner than anyone expected. What’s more, Kendall was nervous. What if Logan didn’t love him the way Kendall did? What if he didn’t want to commit as deeply as Kendall? All these thoughts and doubts were forever racing around Kendall’s mind, shouting and screaming until he got a migraine from it all. He just wanted Logan to know so many things that he knew would take ages for him to tell, and who knew how much time they had?
But despite thinking all this, Kendall wouldn’t give up. He would never stop visiting Logan even if it caused him all this inner pain. He would always comfort him through the bad times, try to make his pain seem better, all the more worthwhile. There was a light at the end of the tunnel, hopefully a light that meant even more brand new adventures for the both them, maybe even with James and Carlos included. A bright and colourful future with a healthy, happy Logan. One where he would never have to re-enter the hospital again, although knowing them that would be impossible. One where he could finally ask that one question he had always wanted to, one that would lead them to spend the rest of their life together as lovers.
And Kendall would forever be at his side. He would make Logan laugh when he wanted to cry. He would cause a smile to erupt on that pale face when there was only a frown. And no matter what, he would never give up. He would make sure that Logan saw the fight worth having, and deep down, he knew Logan would always keep fighting for him as much as everyone else, fighting the monster off once and for all.
It would take time, god knows how much. But Kendall would be patient. This had been going on for well over a year already and he had never tired. Maybe on the outside, yes, but on the inside was a fire still burning with the coals of his heart. It enabled him to go on and on, and in some way, he hoped it enabled a small fire to ignite inside of Logan’s battered body as well. He would wait, for however long it would take Logan to be better again.
When I hear your voice
It’s drowning in a whisper
It’s just skin and bones
There’s nothing left to take
Kendall was brought back to earth by the sound of his boyfriend’s weak voice.
“Kendall?” Logan said in his whispering vocal, blinking open his heavy eyelids to see the boy he also loved. He gazed up at the blonde, whose hair was dishevelled and his clothes crinkled.
“Hey Logie” Kendall greeted softly, brushing back the dark hair that had fallen into Logan’s eyes whilst he slept. Logan closed his eyes at his boyfriend’s touch, a small smile coming forth to his cracked lips.
“When was the last time you took proper care of yourself, Kendall?” Logan sighed, reopening his eyes and fixing a withered glare upon him. The blonde looked confused for a minute as he tried to figure what Logan meant.
“I don’t know-“
“Yes you do” Logan cut in. His voice had no edge to it anymore, his throat probably deciding that it took too much effort to add in the unnecessary effect. It made situations like these even harder for Logan to put his point across, before Kendall brushed it off completely.
Kendall sighed. “Logan, you don’t need to be worrying yourself about me. You should be focussing on regaining your strength, getting better.”
He silently poured a glass of water and handed it over, keeping his hands there whilst Logan drank as his hold had grown shaky and weak. He smiled sympathetically as Logan coughed slightly into the water, but returned the glass back to the bedside table once he was finished. Slowly sitting up, Logan leant back against his pillows, the fluffiness taking all of his weight, which wasn’t a lot anymore.
“Kendall, this isn’t just killing me, it’s killing you as well.” Logan tried to say as firmly as he could. Once he registered the exact words he had used and saw the hurt look on the blonde’s face, he retreated immediately. “Kendall, you know I didn’t mean it that way…I’m not going to give up, but you need to look at what this has done to you.”
“It hasn’t done anything other than worry me, I am perfectly fine.” Kendall refused to admit that Logan was right; in his opinion the only person who should be the centre of attention was Logan. Logan, Logan, Logan. No one else because nothing else mattered other than his Logan getting better again.
“But don’t you see that it has, Kendall? You’re not the same anymore!” Logan’s weak voice cracked as he shouted, the sound not really coming higher than a normal person’s speaking volume, but he wasn’t interrupted. “You don’t care for yourself. You are so preoccupied with me that you fail to realise you’re hardly sleeping. You don’t see that you don’t eat proper meals anymore. You don’t even go to the freaking ice rink anymore! You used to practically live there Kendall!” his breath came in short bursts as tears burnt at the corner of his eyes.
“You’re not fine, Kendall.” He finished hoarsely, looking into the widened jade eyes before him.
Kendall wasn’t sure what to say. What could he say? He hadn’t been looking after himself as well as before, no, but that was because Logan needed him more. Logan was so sick, he could be so easily taken away from him at any time and that was scary. It scared Kendall to no end and he just wanted to spend as much time with Logan as he could. He needed to. But maybe he had been damaging Logan by not looking after himself as much as he should, just as much as the cancer.
And no matter what I do I can’t make you feel better
But of course before Kendall could reply, cancer struck back. Or chemo, but Logan wouldn’t have to go through all the rounds of the drugs if it weren’t for cancer in the first place.
Logan turned suddenly pale and little beads of sweat formed on his forehead. Kendall barely grabbed a bucket from underneath the bed in time, Logan emptying the small contents he was able to contain in his shriveled stomach. The foul substance shot into the bucket, not showing any sign of stopping as Logan’s body continued to lurch with the force of his heaves.
Kendall rubbed his back, whispering soft, soothing words of comfort as Logan whimpered in-between, during gasps for breath. After he had seemingly finished, Kendall quickly took the bucket and cleaned it out in the adjoining bathroom. When he returned, the sight before him broke the small pieces of his heart that he had managed to glue back together.
Logan never cried much. Even when he was younger, Logan always said that it took more muscles to frown than it did to smile, so why bother? When he had first been diagnosed, he didn’t cry at the hospital, or when telling the rest of his friends. After a while, his resolve had broken and they had all sat in puddles of tears clinging on to one another as if their lives depended on it. The only other time that Kendall could remember was when Logan’s hair had first started to fall out. Mrs. Knight had found him curled up on his bedroom floor, clutching desperately at the small handful of hairs that had fallen. Other than that, Logan had never ushered a tear.
But what Kendall came across now was far from what he expected. Logan lay on his side, knees drawn up to his chest and arms wrapped around them, like holding himself was the only thing keeping his grip on reality. Tears cascaded in waterfalls down his pale face as he shook with uncontrolled sobs. He was broken and Kendall wasn’t sure if he had enough glue to repair him this time.
The blonde all but ran over, slipping and sliding on the pristine floor, but there was only one thing on his mind. Carefully, he climbed up onto the bed next to Logan, being careful of the numerous tubes and wires hooked up to him. He laid down and gently placed both arms around the small boy’s skinny torso. Logan shifted in his arms, turning to bury his face in the blonde’s chest and clinging to him with a white-knuckled grip.
“Why me? Why me?” he sobbed over and over. Kendall sighed and rubbed Logan’s back comfortingly.
“I don’t know, Logie, I don’t know.”
If only I could find the answer
To help me understand
Kendall arrived home. It was late, but then it always was when he was made to leave the hospital. Usually Kendall was allowed to stay over with Logan most nights, especially if he was feeling bad, but tonight the doctors wanted Logan to get as much rest as possible as they were going to do a lot of tests in the morning which would no doubt leave the cancer-ridden boy exhausted.
2J was deathly quiet. His mother and sister would probably be asleep as it was gone eleven thirty and since James and Carlos had been called by their parents practically begging them to come home and visit, it was just he who was up in the apartment. He had of course reassured the other two that they could go and visit, but even then they had been reluctant.
The place was never the same now that Logan had to stay in the hospital. There was never any thick, tight bound medical text books neatly piled up on the table beside the couch anymore. There was no one to warn them against doing something that could be potentially hazardous. There was no voice of reason, or big brain, or just general hockey loving, crazy genius that was Logan.
That’s how it felt. The longing couldn’t compare to anything they had ever felt before. It was alright at first; Logan only had to make weekly trips to the hospital. But then he got really, really sick. The night that they had found their best friend passed out on the bathroom floor, thin trail of blood trickling down his chin, it would haunt them forevermore. Nothing could stop the nightmares that came after that terror and it was made worse when the doctors decided Logan needed to stay at the hospital all the time. They had been used to being with each other 24/7 days of the week, 365 days a year and now, even though the hospital was a 10 minute drive away, they felt as though Logan was countries away.
The night was spent like any other he had at home: researching. Anything he could find on the internet, in books, from the newspapers or medical journals or even from cancer patients and survivors themselves. He would save it or note it down, so that when he returned to Logan the next day, he could show him all the evidence of people getting better, the hard core facts of this technology or that procedure that made him or her survive. He had numerous files, each full to the brim with papers, leaflets, samples…the list went on. He just wanted to make sure that he was doing everything that he possibly could to help Logan get better.
Because really, he couldn’t ever understand exactly what Logan was going through. Yes he could say “don’t worry” or “I know, I know” but really, he didn’t. Kendall had never had cancer. His friends hadn’t or anyone in his family. He had seen it on the TV, in news stories or on programmes, but he had never had to deal with it before in this way. He couldn’t tell what Logan was really feeling. He couldn’t find any way to make him feel like the brunette was. He didn’t know what to do.
He needed something to help him understand. Something, someone, some place. Just to make it easier for him and for everybody else for that matter, to understand. But all this was ultimately for Logan. Everything he did was for Logan and only Logan. He lived his life for Logan and he would continue to for as long as Logan was alive. It was a scary thought, but Kendall knew he wouldn’t be able to hold on, to keep going, if ever the small boy left.
Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there’re so many things that I want you to know
I won’t give up till it’s over
If it takes you forever I want you to know
After completing the amount of research that he deemed appropriate for the night, which seemed to be getting bigger each time, Kendall decided he would try to get some sleep. Like Logan had said, he was no use to anyone if he couldn’t even keep his eyes open. Glancing at the clock, he didn’t even care when the numbers 3:27 blared up at him, the greenish tinge from the digital clock making his eyes sore. There was no need to change into his pajamas, he simply pulled the shirt that he was wearing over his head and replaced it with a fresh one. That way, when he got up in the morning, he would be able to just shove something in his mouth for breakfast, run to brush his teeth and then be out of the door in less than ten minutes. He had it all worked out.
But when everything stopped, when he laid his head down each night ready to wake up in the morning to see Logan, it gave him time to think. And all the pent up emotions he had held in burst out in vengeance. The cool, hard mask with that fake happy aura melted away until he was just a shell of what you saw on the outside. The tears slipped and silently made their way gracefully down his face, little ringlets making marks on his pillow. He trembled with the force of his feelings, the sobs wanting to propel themselves out of his body, but couldn’t because he was trying to be quiet for his mom and Katie.
Burying his face into Logan’s prized possession from his childhood, he tried to take comfort in the sweet-smelling vanilla and cinnamon that Logan emitted; covering the stuffed bear he was now clinging on to. He remembered how Logan had desperately tried to hide it when he came to L.A, embarrassed that he still slept with the brown, fuzzy friend. Of course it hadn’t taken the boys very long to find out about Logan’s secret and they had spent days cooing at his adorableness. However, they didn’t mind that Logan still had something to keep him company during the night; they thought it was so extremely cute. But, thinking about that, Logan’s face had remained red for well over a month.
How Kendall wished he could have those times back. That suddenly genies and fairies and elves were all real and that all he had to do was find one to make his wish come true. He had become slightly delusional the weekend after Logan was admitted to stay in the hospital indefinitely and had booked a flight to Ireland. There, he spent one whole day scouting around in fields, woodlands, tiny villages, trying to find the one thing he wanted. A leprechaun. They were lucky, right? They could find those big, pots of gold so surely they could grant something. Or maybe if he was able to bring one back to Logan, he could act as a good luck charm and make the boy all better in no time. This was silly, but Kendall had lost it by then. Whatever ‘it’ was. The others didn’t know where he had gone at first, but when they found out, they automatically flew over there themselves, knowing they would have to break it to the blonde of the nonexistence of one of his only hopes.
The flight home was silent.
But Kendall would do it again and again…and again, if it meant that Logan would survive. If it meant that Logan would be saved. Kendall needed to save Logan; he needed to find a way.
That if you fall, stumble down
I’ll pick you up off the ground
Returning the next morning, Kendall opened the door just in time to see Logan making his way back from the bathroom to his bed. His steps were slow and heavy, one foot seeming to weigh more than the other, or that’s what it looked like. Suddenly, the genius placed his foot forward, but his step crumbled beneath him. He wasn’t strong enough anymore to reset the footing he had so aimlessly lost, but before he could face plant on the floor completely, strong arms wrapped around his small frame, pulling him up again.
Kendall hoisted the boy up into his arms, it being all too easy to bear his weight nowadays. Logan simply shifted in the protective hold, wrapping his arms around the blonde’s neck as Kendall took him back to his bed. His green eyes were caring and gentle as he tried to make sure that Logan was placed comfortably on his bed, before examining his body up and down, checking for any injuries that could have been sustained from the little fall.
After finding no mark or scratch, he let out a breath of air that he didn’t know he had been holding. Logan looked up at him apologetically, his face conveying his guilt for something that Kendall knew he couldn’t even help. His body was weak, had no strength. That wasn’t his fault.
“You have nothing to be sorry about. I’m just glad that I was there when you fell” Kendall remarked before Logan could even open his mouth to say anything. “No, I mean it” he added as it looked like the younger was about to protest. Kendall smiled slightly when Logan huffed in annoyance, rolling his eyes playfully at his boyfriend. Kendall himself laughed at the small boy’s antics, but stopped quickly when Logan’s face turned serious again.
If you lose faith in you
I’ll give you strength to pull through
“I should just give up.”
Kendall moved so fast in reaction to what his boyfriend said that he thought he heard his neck crack. His eyes widened so much that they bulged and all the breath was knocked out of him.
“W-w-w-what?” he spluttered, not able to pronounce the one syllable word correctly due to his shock.
“You heard me, Kendall. I have nothing left in me.” Logan sighed as he brought his knees up to his chest and cradled them lightly “I am nothing anymore.”
“You’re not nothing. You’ll never be nothing. To me, to James and Carlos, Camille, all our friends, our parents…god, Logie, you’re everything to everyone and more!” Kendall replied leaning forward and gripping Logan’s hands with his own, sweaty ones. No doubt the perspiration had been brought on by the nervousness he felt for the conversation and where it was headed.
“I’m boring.” Logan stated simply.
Kendall’s could feel a strange tugging at his heart. “Logan, you’re not boring in the slightest, we all have so much fun with you.”
Logan sighed, looking down at his hands which were firmly grasped in Kendall’s much larger ones.
“I can’t do this anymore.”
“Do what?” Kendall questioned. He soon realised that the tugging he felt on his heart was the dark hand of fear.
“This. The cancer. Everyone around me pretending that it’s alright, that they’re alright, when inside they’re anything but. And then the pain that I have to go through every day. I hate it.”
“I’m so sick of everything.”
There was a pause in conversation. Kendall had never known Logan felt this bad. Sure he got down, but he always got over it. Just goes to show how much Logan hid under his hard, determined exterior.
“Logie…you’re strong, so strong. You’ve made it past so many things in your life. Loads of people have given you loads of crap all the time and you’ve just bore through it. You can make it through this, and you can make it through anything.”
“I’m not as strong as you think I am.”
“But you are, Logie, you’re so much stronger than any of us-“
“No I’m not! I’m not strong at all. If I’m still awake when you leave to go home, I’ll end up crying myself to sleep. If I’m on my own, then I’ll end up either panicking or wanting to just curl up and sleep forever.”
He sighed again and looked up, making eye contact with Kendall again. The green orbs held nothing but care and concern and Logan hated how he was making Kendall so worried.
“All the time I find myself asking: Is it over yet? Can I open me my eyes? Is this as hard as it gets? And every time I never get any answer and it always gets worse.”
“Logan…my heart breaks every time I see you in pain or upset or scared. My heart is breaking further and further all the time. But that’s because I love you so much. Some day, I want to ask you that one question and slip a ring onto your finger. One day, I want to get a house with you and eventually have kids with you when the time is right and we’re ready. And that day is what I’m certain will happen. I love you so much.”
Kendall poured his heart out, a small, silvery tear slowly slipping out of his right eye.
“Doesn’t feel like I do much.” Logan mumbled, still fighting against Kendall and listening to his inner demons. Although the blonde could tell his words were starting to dig Logan’s heart out of the deep, dark cave it had fallen into and drawing him back into the light, back to the happiness.
“I mean it… You have no idea how much you’ve helped me.”
“Really? I know that you say that and I know that you want me to believe it. I know… I just feel like I hurt you.”
Kendall scoffed. “You have never hurt me. I know you’ve been through hell and back, but it’s not your fault. Life’s messed up and unfair.”
“Kendall” Logan started “I…I’m sorry…I just…it’s so hard. Every day. And I do appreciate you so much but I just want to know why. Why did this have to happen?”
“Everything happens for a reason. I know life sucks, but the thing is you can’t give up. And that’s why we have each other and the others, to lean on when things get tough.”
“I want to do all those things you said before. I want to get married to you. And buy a house and have children. I want to grow old with you, Kendall.”
“Then please, just hang on. I know things are tough right now, but not forever.”
Tell me you won’t give up ‘cause I’ll be waiting if you fall
Oh you know I’ll be there for you
“Do you really believe I can do it? That I can beat this thing?” Logan asked, and the desperation in his voice, the way he was begging for Kendall to say yes, re-lighted the hope in his eyes.
“Do I think that you can overcome this?” Kendall asked incredulously, thinking if they really had just been talking about all of that before and wondering if Logan had forgotten what he had said already. Still, Logan thought that he had been saying this in a disbelieving manner and diverted his eyes downwards, picking at the bed sheets. Kendall huffed at his boyfriend’s naivety. Was it really that hard to see all the belief he had for Logan?
“Logan…I believe that you’re so strong, so determined and good willed that you can overcome anything in your way. Even this. This…this…thing” Kendall waved off the official word and decided on something that held no significance whatsoever. Its scientific name made it sound bigger than it was. It made the situation seem worse than it could make people immediately become pessimistic towards the disease. Even though it wasn’t good in the first place, they didn’t need to be made to feel even worse.
It was like…like the time when they were 9.
Kendall trudged his way through the snow that had settled the previous night as he made his way to one of his best friend’s house.
He was meant to be going over there to play on this new video game that Logan had been given by his grandma in their family visit to see her in Texas, but he didn’t really feel like playing video games now.
Things had changed at home recently. His father would go out a lot more than he used to. He was always saying that he was ‘just seeing some mates from work’ or ‘just going to the office to finish up some things’. Sometimes he just left, saying he would be back later and for his mother to not wait up for him.
Kendall had thought this strange at first. His father never really went out with anyone apart from his friends’ dads and he never had so much work that he needed to go back into the office on weekends or in the evenings. But it started to become normal and so he got used to it.
His mom didn’t really mind, she just nodded and didn’t think much of it. Her husband was a working man and he never was a very sociable person in the first place. Maybe this was a good thing.
But then he started going out earlier and staying there later. He started to miss dinner and Kendall could remember thinking that the steaming plate on the kitchen counter would get cold. Most times it did and his mother had to put it in the fridge. He always thought that his dad came home and then ate the meal, but after finding the same thing in the fridge the mornings after, he doubted that idea.
His dad always came home though. He always got there to bathe Katie and put her to bed and then he would come downstairs and help Kendall with his homework or talk to him about his day. If they had enough time, his dad would even take him out into the backyard and practice hockey with him. Those were the times that Kendall cherished.
However, a few months later his dad stopped coming home at reasonable times. He was always too late to bathe Katie and Kendall found himself having to ask his mother for help with his homework. She would always talk to him and spend time with him, even when his dad was there, but every boy needs their time with their dad. He was never there to put Kendall to bed anymore either.
Then one night, Kendall was woken up by the front door closing rather loudly and the sound of someone falling over their feet. He tried to go back to sleep, but the fumbling only got louder and as the noises went into what he supposed was the living room, the shouting started.
“Where were you, Charlie? Do you know what the time is?” his mother demanded, using the tone of voice that she used when she was interrogating Kendall when he had done something wrong.
“I was…out…with friends” his father muttered, slurring some words as he did so. Kendall found it odd that his dad was talking so funny.
“Oh don’t give me that again! It’s always that! Every day and every night you’re with friends. Or your just ‘out’” Kendall could imagine her air quoting that.
“Calm down, Jennifer. It’s no big deal…chill out. Is this because you and I haven’t seen each other as much recently?”
“No! It’s because you’re never here!”
“I’m always here when you need me, babe.”
“You’re not! And I bet that WOMAN on your phone can prove it!”
“What woman? You’re making things up now, babe.”
“Don’t you dare! I only went through your phone because you were concerning me. Then I found those photos and the messages. You’ve been seeing someone else.”
“I’m not, I swear!”
“You are. What would you say you’re doing when you’re never here?”
“It doesn’t matter-“
“Oh it does”
Kendall just sat silently in his room, tears slowly leaking down his face, listening. His mother continued.
“You think it doesn’t matter when you’re not home for dinner or to put the kids to bed? When Katie asks me where Daddy is? When Kendall wants you to do things with him but you’re not there and then I have to be the one that always tells him to wait until tomorrow? His face, Charlie! His face is the most awful thing I’ve seen. He hears that day in and day out. So you think it doesn’t matter? You’d rather be off with some woman than with your family. You cheated, not just on me, but on your children as well. I can’t put up with this anymore, Charlie and neither can they. I think it would be best if we got a divorce.”
Kendall then listened as his father cursed and swore at his mother, telling her how he pitied her the first time he saw her, how Katie was the spawn of the devil and Kendall was thick and stupid. He had said he was glad he had met this new woman.
And then he slammed the door and went out of their lives forever.
That morning, their mother had been doing everything and anything to make up for their father’s absence. At first she had changed the subject every time Katie asked where he was or when Kendall tried to talk about why they had been shouting. But she couldn’t avoid it for long and had eventually had told them some details. Katie went up to her room without seeing anything and Kendall had swiftly made his exit to Logan’s.
The ‘D’ word was so big. Once you heard that word, you knew it was serious. Kendall could remember learning about that word a few years ago when James’ parents had gotten divorced. But they had always been having arguments, so it came as no surprise to anyone. Also, they parted on even grounds, they shared everything and neither one of them hadn’t cheated on the other.
Kendall had never imagined he would see it with his parents. He never imagined he would hear that word about them or experience one of them leaving. But then he never imagined his Dad would cheat on his Mom, but he did.
Finally, he arrived at the large, blue cottage-like house that belonged to Logan’s family. There was no need for knocking on the door; they had passed that custom a long time ago. He entered, slinging his shoes off to the side and made his way into the living room.
Logan turned from where he was setting up a video game at the sound of shuffling, with a big grin, however that quickly dissipated when he saw how broken Kendall looked. His smile was replaced with a frown of concern, only made bigger as he wrapped his arms around his taller friend and the blonde started to sob. Slowly, Logan sat them both down on the couch and comforted Kendall as best as he could.
That night wasn’t spent playing video games like they had originally planned. Instead, when Logan had finally calmed him down enough to distinguish his incomprehensible whimpers, he had talked it through with him. Kendall didn’t hold back, he had told Logan everything, every last detail, even including what he had for dinner that previous night, but Logan didn’t stop him. And then when Kendall had broken down again after his confession, Logan had held him again.
And even though that big word, the one than made everything seem worse and so suddenly real was still lingering above them in the air, he knew that Logan would be there for him.
But now with this disease that Logan had, the word did make everything worse and there was no stopping it, no avoiding it either. They could only take every moment as it came and deal with it after. And Kendall knew that he would be there for Logan just like the time when they were 9 and their roles had been reversed.
Relationships were all about being there for one another. That’s the main thing. To be able to work, you both have to trust each other more than you trust yourself. If you lie, then a relationship is not there entirely. It has to be honest and truthful. It has to be a shared bond, where no one benefits more and it is equal. Kendall could often remember visits from his great-grandfather when he was little. He used to travel up for winter from his hometown all the way across the pond in Ireland, always having amazing stories to tell. He would spout these intricate, knowledgeable quotes that would often leave a 4-year-old Kendall confused and frazzled. He had been told only to remember these and that when he was older, he would understand.
“Comfort and love are shared amongst two that are eternally bound by the fruits of their passion and the strength of their souls. Hearts each have small silk strings, which for most of your lifetime toil unconnected until you find that one significant other with the exact same strings as yours. They match and are linked together for as long as you both breathe the air that is natural to you and your partner. It does not matter if the race, ethnicity, gender or age of that one other are the same or different. Just so long as your heart strings are tied and connected, you will always share the truest love imaginable.”
He may not have known it then, but now he realised that what his great-grandfather had been saying was that relationships didn’t matter. The relationship was only the surface and the feelings deep down into your very soul was the driving force that brought two people together and determined their fate. People were made for each other much like the air was made for breathing. Without it we would die and without them, our lives are much less satisfactory. Much less fulfilled and worthy of the life given. A perfect match is when two people love each other endlessly and would do anything for the other. They bear the consequences just so that their loved ones are happy. No one is complete until they have found their perfect match either.
Kendall knew that Logan was his perfect match for sure. He was positive because no one else in the entity of the world could make him feel like Logan did. At first when they had started to date, Kendall had been scared of his emotions towards the small brunette. They were so powerful at such an early stage that he couldn’t even process his actions half of the time. He didn’t know where the strong need and desire for Logan had come from, but it had been at least quintupled as they started holding hands and exchanging sweet kisses as a couple.
He had also been afraid of what his feelings would do to Logan. He knew he felt the same way, but to what extent he couldn’t measure. He didn’t want to make a move that seemed too sudden so early into their love life and make Logan timid towards the whole thing. He held back for so long, before realising that he didn’t just love the little ray of sunshine that he held in his arms, he was in love with him. That was the only explanation and Kendall was overjoyed when Logan admitted to having the exact same feelings as he did. They were both in love with each other.
They were perfect matches, Kendall was sure of it.
If only I could find the answer
To take it all away
“I wish I could do something though.” Kendall admitted with a sigh as he picked at the blanket on top of Logan’s lap.
Logan looked at him quizzically for a moment before replying “what?” he clearly didn’t know what his boyfriend meant.
“Well I don’t help you get better or anything. I should be able to do something, something more that will mean that you improve. This disease is stronger than me and I can’t help you like the doctors or the treatment can. I guess I just feel useless sometimes.”
Logan placed a hand on Kendall’s shoulder and when he refused to make eye contact placed one of his skinny fingers under the blonde’s chin, bringing his head up so that they were looking each other in the eyes. Logan smiled empathetically as he saw the tears brimming in Kendall’s eyes and wiped one silver track away as it trailed down the elder’s pale cheek.
“You listen here, Kendall Knight. You have done more for me than any treatment or medicine or doctor could ever do. You’re the medicine that I couldn’t live without and I’m proud to call you my boyfriend.” He punctuated his words with a soft, sweet kiss to the lips, both their eyes fluttering as they embraced each other. “And I thought we already went through this? Like…a million times?” he teased with a cheeky wink.
Kendall chuckled and his grin snuck back onto his face. He quickly blinked away the evil tears that had threatened to ruin the moment and sniffed slightly, clearing the air of all sadness. He then proceeded to bring out a bag from under the bed and produced a DVD of Miracle from the depths inside.
“Fancy watching an old favourite?”
They cuddled up on the small hospital bed together, Kendall embracing his smaller lover and kissing his forehead ever so often. They laughed at the funny parts together and repeated all the lyrics that they had committed to heart, which after many years of watching, was basically the whole movie.
Logan looked up in adoration when Kendall got up and performed his favourite speech from the movie. He was obviously joking, pulling faces, but he couldn’t help but notice how much it related to their situation in some way. Sure, they weren’t a hockey team or even playing hockey, but if one were to look at it from an abstract, thinking-outside-of-the-box-kind-of-way, you could replace the situation within the movie with their situation and the cancer.
“Great moments… are born from great opportunity. And that’s what you have here, tonight, boys. That’s what you’ve earned here tonight. One game. If we played ’em ten times, they might win nine. But not this game. Not tonight. Tonight, we skate with them. Tonight, we stay with them. And we shut them down because we can! Tonight, we are the greatest hockey team in the world. You were born to be hockey players. Every one of you. And you were meant to be here tonight. This is your time. Their time is done. It’s over. I’m sick and tired of hearing about what a great hockey team the Soviets have. Screw ’em. This is your time. Now go out there and take it.”
Because…yes cancer killed. It still did. Hell, nearly 12 people died around the world from some type of cancer each minute, and that was a scary statistic. But even though it took a frightening amount of people, it didn’t have to take Logan.
Because, like Kendall’s impression said, they weren’t going to let it win. It didn’t matter what happened before. That was totally unrelated. Those people weren’t Logan and that cancer wasn’t all those other cancers. It was Logan’s own form and one that he could beat. Together, they would help Logan to overcome it and battle through. They would never lose sight of the end, the light at the end of the tunnel that meant a happier and better future.
Cancer was old news. Nowadays, the disease was nothing more than statistics that you heard in the news bulletins on the television or casually swept over when there was a report on the subject in the newspaper. No one really noticed how many people were affected, yet when you told someone you were a survivor, they became in awe.
That was something to be proud of. The fact that you had overcome one of the modern world’s main killers, one of the biggest problems known to man apart from global warming and animal extinction. There were charities dedicated to finding cures – which hopefully someday there would be – and helping those desperately in need. The problem was huge. But when you had tackled one of those biggest problems and come out on top, then that’s when you got noticed. It was something to be proud of and Logan along with Kendall was determined that the brunette would be one of them.
This was Logan’s time and he was going to take it.
Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there’re so many things that I want you to know
I won’t give up till it’s over
If it takes you forever I want you to know
A car pulled up on the gravel, disturbing the solitude of the area for just a minute before the peacefulness returned. A light dew hung from tree leaves and grass blades, looking much like little hats on small green heads. There was a mist lingering in the air that made the day’s temperature cooler than expected, but that didn’t matter.
What did matter was the occasion. This was no ordinary day; they were out to celebrate his life, his existence. He was always there for everyone and put others before his own needs. It may have led to his demise, but he wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. He would have wanted them happy and living life, not dwelling on his memory.
One of the doors on the silver BMW swung open so fast that it was surprising it didn’t snap off completely. Out of it came a small, blonde head, bobbing up and down with excitement. The small boy laughed slightly and it made the serious circumstances lift, bringing light.
Indeed the sun broke out onto the luscious lawns and brightened the atmosphere and its landscape. The birds awakened and sung their songs happily, whilst a gentle breeze blew away the leaves that littered the winding paths. The small blonde smiled and the sun seemed to grin back with ever-increasing intensity.
Then, another blonde came out of the driver’s side. He had a good build and well-defined features, laughter lines appearing along the creases next to his eyes. The man who looked to be in his early thirties stretched his arms, the muscles flexed and tightened showed off hard work and long hours of physically enduring and mental activity. He turned around and slammed his door, much like the boy had done but in reverse. The apple never fell far from the tree.
“Jacob, hold your horses, he’s not going anywhere. He’ll still be there if we take ten minutes or thirty.” The tall man chuckled, ruffling his son’s hair so that pouted and whined. He immediately went to rearranging his golden locks back into their rightful position when the hand released his head. He had definitely been around James far too much these past few days, the other blonde thought.
“But Papa! I want to get there real soon because I have something really important to show him!” Jacob replied, jumping up and down and clutching the item concealed in the pocket of his red sweatshirt gently.
“I still don’t know what you’ve got there, buddy. What is it, huh?” the father had been guessing for days now, ever since they had agreed to come here. Every time he was wrong…not a candy bar, or a macaroni bracelet he had made at kindergarten or even something hockey related. There was that apple again.
“Good things come to those who wait” Jacob said proudly, extremely pleased he had remembered one of the sayings that were constantly repeated over and over to him. Like when he had to wait on Christmas until after breakfast to open his presents. That always took forever since his little sister liked to draw with her food rather than eat it and he had to wait until everything was all cleaned up. But good things definitely did come out of waiting. He had gotten a pair of blue hockey skates that Christmas.
“Oh really?” the older man swiftly brought his son into his arms, running spidery fingers up and down his sides. The small boy wriggled and squirmed as he erupted in laughter. The small, bubbles of noise could be heard all around. “Because I think that you should tell me…otherwise the tickle monster won’t go away!” his son shrieked again and fought his way out of his father’s playful grasp.
“No, Papa. Bad Papa” the boy pointed a finger, waggling it as if the roles had turned around and he was the adult. He poked his tongue out, ruining the jokey facade he had going with the childish gesture, before he took off down the gravel path he knew well.
The father sighed heartily and walked behind, giving his 5-year-old room to have his own freedom and enjoy the time he had here. He knew Jacob wouldn’t get lost, he remembered the route like the back of his own hand. How could he ever forget it?
He watched as his son knelt down in front of a familiar silver stone, made from marble and took his time in making sure that all the flowers were standing upright like they should be. Jacob talked animatedly about anything and everything to the stone. But it wasn’t the stone he was talking to. No, he was talking to-
Suddenly, an arm wrapped around his chest and the hand that belonged to the limb was placed over his eyes, blocking the view of his son. He was brought back against a small chest and he could feel the person behind him was slightly stretched upwards, as if they weren’t as tall as he was.
“Guess who?” a soft voice whispered in his ear, hot breath ghosting along his bare neck, causing a shiver to run up his spine.
Kendall spun around and wrapped his arms around a smaller man. “The best person ever?” he guessed, pretending to think hard and long. The brunette man chuckled, showing off dimples and glistening eyes.
“Sorry we were so long. Cassie wanted to pick an extra nice bouquet for her Grandpa” the small man grinned and brought his gaze down to the little person gripping his own fingers, with her own blonde hair that fell slightly past her shoulders.
“Did Daddy let you choose the flowers, Cassie?” Kendall asked his daughter, smiling as she grinned up at him widely.
“Yes! Daddy flowers, Cassie choose” she replied, her broken English getting better each day. His husband let go of the small toddler’s hand and she wobbled over to her older brother, who smiled and took her hand, showing her what he had been doing. The two quickly focused on their Grandpa before him.
“It’s a shame that he never got to see them. He would have loved playing hockey with Jacob and spoiling Cassie rotten with little doll’s houses.” the smaller husband commented as he watched his children.
“He would have loved them, and they would have loved him, he was a great man. But he had a good life. He knew you would go on to great things and you have. Besides, they can still come see him. It’s not the same, but we will always keep his memory alive for them.” Kendall leant down and placed a soft kiss on his lover’s lips, so delicate it almost wasn’t there.
They held it there, keeping their eyes closed until their son called for them to look at what he was doing.
“Daddy! Papa! Look!” Jacob pulled a folded piece of card from his sweatshirt pocket, folded over sort of crookedly but that didn’t matter at all. There were lots of colourful pictures over every spare inch of the card and messy letters were scrawled inside.
“Grandpa” Jacob turned and addressed the stone “I made this for you, for your birthday. Daddy said it was today and then Papa said we were coming to see you, so I had to make it! I hope you like it, Grandpa.”
“There’s our whole family on the front. See? There’s me and Cassie and Papa and Daddy” he pointed to two smaller figures with half-yellow heads and taller ones, with arms longer than their legs. Kendall smiled when he recognised the spiky hair on his husband’s head and the massive eyebrows that took up mostly all of the figure’s face that resembled himself.
“And Grandma is there and Aunty Katie…she’s got a boyfriend now and Papa got kinda mad, but Daddy said it was because she was his little sister and he loves her. I might be like that with Cassie one day maybe” he shrugged and continued on.
“And then there’s James and Carlos with Lizzy and Layla” he pointed to the one with the most carefully drawn hair on the card and the one with what seemed to be a helmet. A year after Jacob had been born; James and Carlos had adopted twins. Jacob and the girls were best friends, inseparable.
“Then finally…and this is the best part ever…look!” Jacob thrust the card forward onto the stone fervently, almost as if he were imaging eyes on the marble or something. The two men couldn’t see what he was pointing at.
“What’s that Jacob?” The brunette asked patiently. When the 5-year-old got excited, he often left out what he was excited about.
“It’s Grandpa, Daddy!” Jacob exclaimed like it was obvious “he’s up in the sky looking down on all of us and he’s an angel, he is always there even if we can’t see him properly.”
The two men both blinked back small tears that were gathering in their eyes. It was 12 years ago that David Mitchell had passed away. Logan had still been battling cancer, but he had been improving steadily for a fee months. They had held into the small things that weren’t really noticed by anyone else, but because of the situation, meant the world to them.
Anyway, David had been doing everything he could for Logan and he neglected his own health. Sadly, his heart failed him and he passed on much earlier than he should have. It was a very torturous time for everyone, but obviously none more so than Logan.
The small brunette had become secluded, reserved and silent. His face held a blank countenance and for too long he never showed any emotion. He didn’t grieve for a long, king time and everyone grew worried for his sanity. Sure, he would talk, even if his sentences were short and far between, but he acted as if nothing had happened.
I wish I could save you
Kendall had feared for many days that all of Logan’s progress would be hindered and he would be sent on a backwards turn, a complete 180 and back to where he was before.
Then one evening, the one evening Kendall had left to go and get some coffee (it was the bane of his existence really, but anything to keep him awake for his Logie) the boy had let the damn break.
Kendall had come back to a puddle of a boyfriend, snotty and red-eyed, but he didn’t care. He sat, for hours on end with the small boy, until he had cried himself into a restless slumber.
After that night however, Logan had become more open and they talked about the things that were bothering him. The funeral was beautiful and many attended, some Logan didn’t even know, but he was glad that they all showed their support and came to honour the man’s memory. And then a private burial followed, with only family allowed to attend.
From then, Logan improved even more every day. Maybe it was a renewed strength within him or maybe it was to try to fill one of his father’s last wishes, but he improved steadily. Within a month, he was out of the hospital for the first time in almost a year, apart from that one day of the funeral.
His happiness fully returned and with that, his health. It was one of the most amazing, breathtaking days when they went back in for a scheduled check up and those two words were uttered out of his doctor’s mouth. They cried again, but this time from joy.
I want you to know
They had propelled themselves full speed back into regular life, Logan hadn’t wanted to rest anymore, hadn’t wanted to do anything but get back out there and see the world. He caught up with all if his friends; he went to parties, saw famous places and lived life. And all with Kendall along for the ride.
Big Time Rush had also picked up again. They recorded, danced, played concerts and sold out tours for many years to come. And after a long run of over 5 years, the now 26-year-olds called their time.
Gustavo had cried. As unbelievable as that sounded, the hard-faced man shed a few tears, even though he would deny that now. They were his dogs. Turned from small puppies with tails between their legs into dominant alpha males who he was immensely proud of and wished all the best of luck to. He still visited. The children loved a visit from big old Gussy, which was how Cassie had grown to call him.
Jacob came that same year, through a new emerging method of science that meant no female was needed. This was 2026 after all. The boy possessed bright blonde hair and a lean build that could have come from Kendall, but the eyes were so unmistakably Logan, big, round and chocolate-brown.
Cassie had been born the same way just two years ago and completed their small, yet perfect family of 4. Her little giggle brightened every room and her habits just screamed what a little Logan would do, which Kendall was extremely pleased about also. And again, those gorgeous eyes.
And now, as Kendall held his small, but healthy husband close, he couldn’t have wished for anything more. They were whole and perfect and happy. Everything he could have dreamt and wanted after was right here in front of him.
He smiled as he realised all they had overcome. The good times and the bad. But no matter what, they had stayed on top, they had never let the cancer or the negatives win. They carried on and dealt with things as they arose.
Living for the moment, Kendall recalled his mother telling him. Yes, they certainly were living for the moment, but that was a good thing.
And as Kendall and Logan joined their children on the ground, smiling and laughing, he realised that this moment was how he had wished that everything would turn out to be.
And he never wanted this perfect moment to end.
I wish I could save you