Tag Archives: Kendall

Save You

So this is my first time posting something I’ve written on this website. I’ve only really just got back into the swing of writing things again and this particular one shot has been worked on for almost a year. I hope, because of that, it has gotten the justice it deserves.There is lots of Logan and Kendall angst in this one-shotsongfic, so be prepared for upsetting scenes that may be sensitive to some of you. The disease discussed in this is serious and a massive problem to normal, every day people. I hope you like it and that by writing this, I have raised awareness of a big problem. Remember, charities are there to research new cures, so DONATE! And on that note, please enjoy ~swagupwindowsdown 🙂 x


Take a breath, I pull myself together
Just another step until I reach the door
You’ll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you

He breathed deeply as he tried to steady his shaking hands. It never got any easier. You would think that after all this time, just taking the steps of the same path he had been walking nearly every day for months on end would be at least something that didn’t make him a nervous wreck. But it was never that way. And as he ascended the staircase that would lead him to his love, it didn’t become any easier. How could it?

He had learnt a long time ago to take the staircase rather than the elevators. It bought him time, gave him a few moments longer than the elevator would to compose himself and put on his brave façade that he always wore around the brunette he was longing, yet dreading to see. But nothing could ever buy him the amount of time he would ever need to ever get over it. He could never get over it. This was something that was just too big to simply brush under the carpet.

Every moment had merged and blurred, so that now it seemed as if he were in one continuous oblivion of sadness and fear. This same oblivion made it seem as if the journey was far too long and drained him of energy even though it was only a few flights of stairs that he had to conquer. He felt as if he had no more energy to burn and was running on empty. The last of the peanut butter had been scraped out of the jar of his life, leaving just something to throw away.

He shook his head as he neared his destination. People walking by him either gave him looks of sympathy, knowing why he was here or at least guessing from what ward he was on, or they looked away completely, not strong enough to be able to face the inner turmoil going on within his young body. A 19-year-old shouldn’t have to deal with this sort of thing. Too bad fate saw it differently.

I wish that I could tell you something
To take it all away

Shivering at the feel of the cool, wooden door with the familiar chips in the corner, he silently pushed it open. The old thing protested under the weight of his hand, but he kept on going until it was as far as it would stretch. Sometimes, he felt as though he could not stretch any farther as well. He may not be old like the entrance to the room, but he was certainly tired.

The room was the same as they always depict it on those same over-exaggerated hospital shows. Same white walls. Same white ceiling. Same white window letting in a few, miserable beams of sunlight. The bed was even the same. Well the same in the fact that it was white. What wasn’t the same for Kendall was the person lying upon it.

The man he was looking at was just a shell of his former self. He had become frail as his body thinned. It didn’t take in all the nutrients that he would need from the food he ate and most of the food he did manage to consume ended coming back up. His skin itself was like a glacier, all white and almost translucent in some places. He may have been pale before, but this was taking it to the extreme.

His face was gaunt and shallow, his hair growing thin and brittle so that it was way too easy to pull a whole clump out. But what got to Kendall were his eyes. Before this all started, one of the most beautiful things about his boyfriend was his eyes. The way they sparkled in the sunlight and even when the clouds rolled over, there was always a pleasant gleam in the midst of the chocolate-brown pools. Not only that, but they always looked happy, big and round. Kendall found that he could sink into them for ages and ages, so much so that he could drown in them if it were possible.

Now, however, they were dull and lifeless. Although they still looked somewhat mellow and they were still big and round, they weren’t just filled with happiness anymore. He knew that his boyfriend put up barriers, trying to make Kendall think that he was better than he actually was, but he could see past him. That’s the sort of person he was. He never wanted to be a burden or make people worry about him. With him, it was always everyone else before his own wellbeing. But after knowing him for almost all his life, Kendall could spot the hidden pain in his eyes. In fact, now anyone could. As the time went by, it became obvious how much pain he was in without even looking into his eyes. Just one look his quivering form and you knew. But now, it seemed that all those barriers had dropped and when you did look into them, there was no way of avoiding the pain withheld in them.

And there was nothing he could do.

Sometimes I wish I could save you
 And there’re so many things that I want you to know
I won’t give up till it’s over
If it takes you forever I want you to know

Coming round to the right side of the bed, he moved some of the many bouquets of flowers that were always sent to his love. People adored him and everyone wanted him to get better. Slowly taking his familiar place in the same white, plastic chair, he smiled slightly as he saw the small man sleeping. He slept a lot recently, but he knew that he needed as much as he could get.

And as he sat there, he thought about all that had happened before. From when they had met on that little playground in third grade. James and Carlos had been too preoccupied making mud pies to notice, but he saw that tiny little body getting kicked over and over by the 5th grade bullies. He was new, fresh from Texas and seemingly a bully magnet with his smart, academic nature and his small, scrawny stature. The boy had done nothing wrong as far as he could tell, so without thinking about it anymore, he rammed his head straight into those boys’ stomachs. They soon ran off, scared of what else he could do.

He had turned back around then; face softening as he heard the whimpers leaving the little boy’s pink lips. He had offered a hand, trying to help him back onto his own two feet, but it had gone unnoticed. Being the forward little guy he was, he had then taken to placing his long fingers underneath the small boy’s arms and hoisting him up again and brushing the dirt off of his pants. Big brown eyes had turned up to look at him with wonder and he could remember the first four words spilling out of his mouth, totally typical for him at that age.


“Do you like hockey?”

“W-what?”

“I said do you like hockey? It is the absolute bestest sport ever! I’m gonna be on the Minnesota Wilds when I’m older.”

The small boy giggled. “It’s best.”

“What?”

“Best…never mind…I-I’ve never played hockey before” he blushed, cheeks flaming in embarrassment.

“Well now you’re in Minnesota, you have to learn! I could teach you!” the taller one exclaimed excitedly.

“I…I can’t skate.”

“Well that doesn’t matter! Best friends teach each other things all the time and I can teach you how to skate! You’ll be great in no time!”

“Best friends?” the little boy asked, hope bursting through and putting a big grin on his face.

“Yeah! Best friends” the taller smiled “and you can meet James and Carlos as well, they would love to meet you and be best friends too!”

“R-Really?”

“Yeah…I’m Kendall, by the way.” The blonde introduced, bowing afterwards for effect.

The other giggled again “I’m Hortense.”

“Well then, Hortense, would you like to join me and those two goofballs over there in making the biggest ever mud pies?” he asked in his best, knightly voice.

Hortense’ face grew until it was covered by an ear-splitting grin and he nodded.

“I would like that.”


Now that they were older, Kendall didn’t believe in fairytale endings any more. He knew they were only make-believe and didn’t exist in the real world. But he only wished that for Logan’s sake that they did. Kendall wanted to be his knight in shining armor; he wanted to be able to save Logan from this beast that had overtaken his body, rather than feeling so utterly useless all the time. What could he do? Be there for him when he was throwing his guts up, retching until his throat was sore or when he had to face the horrible fact of his hair falling out. But he could only be there, only comfort him. He couldn’t make it go away like he wanted to. Really, he could do nothing.

Briefly, he thought of what could happen if things took a turn for the worse. He never liked to think this way, but sometimes it just crept up on him without him even knowing and then he had to think about it to make it go away. Would Logan pull through?

He was already weakened so much, the endless rounds of chemo and the illness itself punching away at every part of his now frail body, never giving in. If he died, would Logan know just how much Kendall cared about and loved him? When Logan was awake, he would want to tell him so many things, he wanted to pour his heart and soul out to him, but he could never find the right words. He needed Logan to know just how much he loved him, just in case his time came sooner than anyone expected. What’s more, Kendall was nervous. What if Logan didn’t love him the way Kendall did? What if he didn’t want to commit as deeply as Kendall? All these thoughts and doubts were forever racing around Kendall’s mind, shouting and screaming until he got a migraine from it all. He just wanted Logan to know so many things that he knew would take ages for him to tell, and who knew how much time they had?

But despite thinking all this, Kendall wouldn’t give up. He would never stop visiting Logan even if it caused him all this inner pain. He would always comfort him through the bad times, try to make his pain seem better, all the more worthwhile. There was a light at the end of the tunnel, hopefully a light that meant even more brand new adventures for the both them, maybe even with James and Carlos included. A bright and colourful future with a healthy, happy Logan. One where he would never have to re-enter the hospital again, although knowing them that would be impossible. One where he could finally ask that one question he had always wanted to, one that would lead them to spend the rest of their life together as lovers.

And Kendall would forever be at his side. He would make Logan laugh when he wanted to cry. He would cause a smile to erupt on that pale face when there was only a frown. And no matter what, he would never give up. He would make sure that Logan saw the fight worth having, and deep down, he knew Logan would always keep fighting for him as much as everyone else, fighting the monster off once and for all.

It would take time, god knows how much. But Kendall would be patient. This had been going on for well over a year already and he had never tired. Maybe on the outside, yes, but on the inside was a fire still burning with the coals of his heart. It enabled him to go on and on, and in some way, he hoped it enabled a small fire to ignite inside of Logan’s battered body as well. He would wait, for however long it would take Logan to be better again.

When I hear your voice
It’s drowning in a whisper
It’s just skin and bones
There’s nothing left to take

Kendall was brought back to earth by the sound of his boyfriend’s weak voice.

“Kendall?” Logan said in his whispering vocal, blinking open his heavy eyelids to see the boy he also loved. He gazed up at the blonde, whose hair was dishevelled and his clothes crinkled.

“Hey Logie” Kendall greeted softly, brushing back the dark hair that had fallen into Logan’s eyes whilst he slept. Logan closed his eyes at his boyfriend’s touch, a small smile coming forth to his cracked lips.

“When was the last time you took proper care of yourself, Kendall?” Logan sighed, reopening his eyes and fixing a withered glare upon him. The blonde looked confused for a minute as he tried to figure what Logan meant.

“I don’t know-“

“Yes you do” Logan cut in. His voice had no edge to it anymore, his throat probably deciding that it took too much effort to add in the unnecessary effect. It made situations like these even harder for Logan to put his point across, before Kendall brushed it off completely.

Kendall sighed. “Logan, you don’t need to be worrying yourself about me. You should be focussing on regaining your strength, getting better.”

He silently poured a glass of water and handed it over, keeping his hands there whilst Logan drank as his hold had grown shaky and weak. He smiled sympathetically as Logan coughed slightly into the water, but returned the glass back to the bedside table once he was finished. Slowly sitting up, Logan leant back against his pillows, the fluffiness taking all of his weight, which wasn’t a lot anymore.

“Kendall, this isn’t just killing me, it’s killing you as well.” Logan tried to say as firmly as he could. Once he registered the exact words he had used and saw the hurt look on the blonde’s face, he retreated immediately. “Kendall, you know I didn’t mean it that way…I’m not going to give up, but you need to look at what this has done to you.”

“It hasn’t done anything other than worry me, I am perfectly fine.” Kendall refused to admit that Logan was right; in his opinion the only person who should be the centre of attention was Logan. Logan, Logan, Logan. No one else because nothing else mattered other than his Logan getting better again.

“But don’t you see that it has, Kendall? You’re not the same anymore!” Logan’s weak voice cracked as he shouted, the sound not really coming higher than a normal person’s speaking volume, but he wasn’t interrupted. “You don’t care for yourself. You are so preoccupied with me that you fail to realise you’re hardly sleeping. You don’t see that you don’t eat proper meals anymore. You don’t even go to the freaking ice rink anymore! You used to practically live there Kendall!” his breath came in short bursts as tears burnt at the corner of his eyes.

“You’re not fine, Kendall.” He finished hoarsely, looking into the widened jade eyes before him.

Kendall wasn’t sure what to say. What could he say? He hadn’t been looking after himself as well as before, no, but that was because Logan needed him more. Logan was so sick, he could be so easily taken away from him at any time and that was scary. It scared Kendall to no end and he just wanted to spend as much time with Logan as he could. He needed to. But maybe he had been damaging Logan by not looking after himself as much as he should, just as much as the cancer.

And no matter what I do I can’t make you feel better

But of course before Kendall could reply, cancer struck back. Or chemo, but Logan wouldn’t have to go through all the rounds of the drugs if it weren’t for cancer in the first place.

Logan turned suddenly pale and little beads of sweat formed on his forehead. Kendall barely grabbed a bucket from underneath the bed in time, Logan emptying the small contents he was able to contain in his shriveled stomach. The foul substance shot into the bucket, not showing any sign of stopping as Logan’s body continued to lurch with the force of his heaves.

Kendall rubbed his back, whispering soft, soothing words of comfort as Logan whimpered in-between, during gasps for breath. After he had seemingly finished, Kendall quickly took the bucket and cleaned it out in the adjoining bathroom. When he returned, the sight before him broke the small pieces of his heart that he had managed to glue back together.

Logan never cried much. Even when he was younger, Logan always said that it took more muscles to frown than it did to smile, so why bother? When he had first been diagnosed, he didn’t cry at the hospital, or when telling the rest of his friends. After a while, his resolve had broken and they had all sat in puddles of tears clinging on to one another as if their lives depended on it. The only other time that Kendall could remember was when Logan’s hair had first started to fall out. Mrs. Knight had found him curled up on his bedroom floor, clutching desperately at the small handful of hairs that had fallen. Other than that, Logan had never ushered a tear.

But what Kendall came across now was far from what he expected. Logan lay on his side, knees drawn up to his chest and arms wrapped around them, like holding himself was the only thing keeping his grip on reality. Tears cascaded in waterfalls down his pale face as he shook with uncontrolled sobs. He was broken and Kendall wasn’t sure if he had enough glue to repair him this time.

The blonde all but ran over, slipping and sliding on the pristine floor, but there was only one thing on his mind. Carefully, he climbed up onto the bed next to Logan, being careful of the numerous tubes and wires hooked up to him. He laid down and gently placed both arms around the small boy’s skinny torso. Logan shifted in his arms, turning to bury his face in the blonde’s chest and clinging to him with a white-knuckled grip.

“Why me? Why me?” he sobbed over and over. Kendall sighed and rubbed Logan’s back comfortingly.

“I don’t know, Logie, I don’t know.”

If only I could find the answer
To help me understand


Kendall arrived home. It was late, but then it always was when he was made to leave the hospital. Usually Kendall was allowed to stay over with Logan most nights, especially if he was feeling bad, but tonight the doctors wanted Logan to get as much rest as possible as they were going to do a lot of tests in the morning which would no doubt leave the cancer-ridden boy exhausted.

2J was deathly quiet. His mother and sister would probably be asleep as it was gone eleven thirty and since James and Carlos had been called by their parents practically begging them to come home and visit, it was just he who was up in the apartment. He had of course reassured the other two that they could go and visit, but even then they had been reluctant.

The place was never the same now that Logan had to stay in the hospital. There was never any thick, tight bound medical text books neatly piled up on the table beside the couch anymore. There was no one to warn them against doing something that could be potentially hazardous. There was no voice of reason, or big brain, or just general hockey loving, crazy genius that was Logan.

Empty.

That’s how it felt. The longing couldn’t compare to anything they had ever felt before. It was alright at first; Logan only had to make weekly trips to the hospital. But then he got really, really sick. The night that they had found their best friend passed out on the bathroom floor, thin trail of blood trickling down his chin, it would haunt them forevermore. Nothing could stop the nightmares that came after that terror and it was made worse when the doctors decided Logan needed to stay at the hospital all the time. They had been used to being with each other 24/7 days of the week, 365 days a year and now, even though the hospital was a 10 minute drive away, they felt as though Logan was countries away.

The night was spent like any other he had at home: researching. Anything he could find on the internet, in books, from the newspapers or medical journals or even from cancer patients and survivors themselves. He would save it or note it down, so that when he returned to Logan the next day, he could show him all the evidence of people getting better, the hard core facts of this technology or that procedure that made him or her survive. He had numerous files, each full to the brim with papers, leaflets, samples…the list went on. He just wanted to make sure that he was doing everything that he possibly could to help Logan get better.

Because really, he couldn’t ever understand exactly what Logan was going through. Yes he could say “don’t worry” or “I know, I know” but really, he didn’t. Kendall had never had cancer. His friends hadn’t or anyone in his family. He had seen it on the TV, in news stories or on programmes, but he had never had to deal with it before in this way. He couldn’t tell what Logan was really feeling. He couldn’t find any way to make him feel like the brunette was. He didn’t know what to do.

He needed something to help him understand. Something, someone, some place. Just to make it easier for him and for everybody else for that matter, to understand. But all this was ultimately for Logan. Everything he did was for Logan and only Logan. He lived his life for Logan and he would continue to for as long as Logan was alive. It was a scary thought, but Kendall knew he wouldn’t be able to hold on, to keep going, if ever the small boy left.

Sometimes I wish I could save you
 And there’re so many things that I want you to know
I won’t give up till it’s over
If it takes you forever I want you to know

After completing the amount of research that he deemed appropriate for the night, which seemed to be getting bigger each time, Kendall decided he would try to get some sleep. Like Logan had said, he was no use to anyone if he couldn’t even keep his eyes open. Glancing at the clock, he didn’t even care when the numbers 3:27 blared up at him, the greenish tinge from the digital clock making his eyes sore. There was no need to change into his pajamas, he simply pulled the shirt that he was wearing over his head and replaced it with a fresh one. That way, when he got up in the morning, he would be able to just shove something in his mouth for breakfast, run to brush his teeth and then be out of the door in less than ten minutes. He had it all worked out.

But when everything stopped, when he laid his head down each night ready to wake up in the morning to see Logan, it gave him time to think. And all the pent up emotions he had held in burst out in vengeance. The cool, hard mask with that fake happy aura melted away until he was just a shell of what you saw on the outside. The tears slipped and silently made their way gracefully down his face, little ringlets making marks on his pillow. He trembled with the force of his feelings, the sobs wanting to propel themselves out of his body, but couldn’t because he was trying to be quiet for his mom and Katie.

Burying his face into Logan’s prized possession from his childhood, he tried to take comfort in the sweet-smelling vanilla and cinnamon that Logan emitted; covering the stuffed bear he was now clinging on to. He remembered how Logan had desperately tried to hide it when he came to L.A, embarrassed that he still slept with the brown, fuzzy friend. Of course it hadn’t taken the boys very long to find out about Logan’s secret and they had spent days cooing at his adorableness. However, they didn’t mind that Logan still had something to keep him company during the night; they thought it was so extremely cute. But, thinking about that, Logan’s face had remained red for well over a month.

How Kendall wished he could have those times back. That suddenly genies and fairies and elves were all real and that all he had to do was find one to make his wish come true. He had become slightly delusional the weekend after Logan was admitted to stay in the hospital indefinitely and had booked a flight to Ireland. There, he spent one whole day scouting around in fields, woodlands, tiny villages, trying to find the one thing he wanted. A leprechaun. They were lucky, right? They could find those big, pots of gold so surely they could grant something. Or maybe if he was able to bring one back to Logan, he could act as a good luck charm and make the boy all better in no time. This was silly, but Kendall had lost it by then. Whatever ‘it’ was. The others didn’t know where he had gone at first, but when they found out, they automatically flew over there themselves, knowing they would have to break it to the blonde of the nonexistence of one of his only hopes.

The flight home was silent.

But Kendall would do it again and again…and again, if it meant that Logan would survive. If it meant that Logan would be saved. Kendall needed to save Logan; he needed to find a way.


That if you fall, stumble down
I’ll pick you up off the ground

Returning the next morning, Kendall opened the door just in time to see Logan making his way back from the bathroom to his bed. His steps were slow and heavy, one foot seeming to weigh more than the other, or that’s what it looked like. Suddenly, the genius placed his foot forward, but his step crumbled beneath him. He wasn’t strong enough anymore to reset the footing he had so aimlessly lost, but before he could face plant on the floor completely, strong arms wrapped around his small frame, pulling him up again.

Kendall hoisted the boy up into his arms, it being all too easy to bear his weight nowadays. Logan simply shifted in the protective hold, wrapping his arms around the blonde’s neck as Kendall took him back to his bed. His green eyes were caring and gentle as he tried to make sure that Logan was placed comfortably on his bed, before examining his body up and down, checking for any injuries that could have been sustained from the little fall.

After finding no mark or scratch, he let out a breath of air that he didn’t know he had been holding. Logan looked up at him apologetically, his face conveying his guilt for something that Kendall knew he couldn’t even help. His body was weak, had no strength. That wasn’t his fault.

“You have nothing to be sorry about. I’m just glad that I was there when you fell” Kendall remarked before Logan could even open his mouth to say anything. “No, I mean it” he added as it looked like the younger was about to protest. Kendall smiled slightly when Logan huffed in annoyance, rolling his eyes playfully at his boyfriend. Kendall himself laughed at the small boy’s antics, but stopped quickly when Logan’s face turned serious again.

If you lose faith in you
I’ll give you strength to pull through

“I should just give up.”

Kendall moved so fast in reaction to what his boyfriend said that he thought he heard his neck crack. His eyes widened so much that they bulged and all the breath was knocked out of him.

“W-w-w-what?” he spluttered, not able to pronounce the one syllable word correctly due to his shock.

“You heard me, Kendall. I have nothing left in me.” Logan sighed as he brought his knees up to his chest and cradled them lightly “I am nothing anymore.”

“No.”

“What?”

“You’re not nothing. You’ll never be nothing. To me, to James and Carlos, Camille, all our friends, our parents…god, Logie, you’re everything to everyone and more!” Kendall replied leaning forward and gripping Logan’s hands with his own, sweaty ones. No doubt the perspiration had been brought on by the nervousness he felt for the conversation and where it was headed.

“I’m boring.” Logan stated simply.

Kendall’s could feel a strange tugging at his heart. “Logan, you’re not boring in the slightest, we all have so much fun with you.”

Logan sighed, looking down at his hands which were firmly grasped in Kendall’s much larger ones.

“I can’t do this anymore.”

“Do what?” Kendall questioned. He soon realised that the tugging he felt on his heart was the dark hand of fear.

“This. The cancer. Everyone around me pretending that it’s alright, that they’re alright, when inside they’re anything but. And then the pain that I have to go through every day. I hate it.”

“Logie-“

“I’m so sick of everything.”

There was a pause in conversation. Kendall had never known Logan felt this bad. Sure he got down, but he always got over it. Just goes to show how much Logan hid under his hard, determined exterior.

“Logie…you’re strong, so strong. You’ve made it past so many things in your life. Loads of people have given you loads of crap all the time and you’ve just bore through it. You can make it through this, and you can make it through anything.”

“I’m not as strong as you think I am.”

“But you are, Logie, you’re so much stronger than any of us-“

“No I’m not! I’m not strong at all. If I’m still awake when you leave to go home, I’ll end up crying myself to sleep. If I’m on my own, then I’ll end up either panicking or wanting to just curl up and sleep forever.”

He sighed again and looked up, making eye contact with Kendall again. The green orbs held nothing but care and concern and Logan hated how he was making Kendall so worried.

“All the time I find myself asking: Is it over yet? Can I open me my eyes? Is this as hard as it gets? And every time I never get any answer and it always gets worse.”

“Logan…my heart breaks every time I see you in pain or upset or scared. My heart is breaking further and further all the time. But that’s because I love you so much. Some day, I want to ask you that one question and slip a ring onto your finger. One day, I want to get a house with you and eventually have kids with you when the time is right and we’re ready. And that day is what I’m certain will happen. I love you so much.”

Kendall poured his heart out, a small, silvery tear slowly slipping out of his right eye.

“Doesn’t feel like I do much.” Logan mumbled, still fighting against Kendall and listening to his inner demons. Although the blonde could tell his words were starting to dig Logan’s heart out of the deep, dark cave it had fallen into and drawing him back into the light, back to the happiness.

“I mean it… You have no idea how much you’ve helped me.”

“Really? I know that you say that and I know that you want me to believe it. I know… I just feel like I hurt you.”

Kendall scoffed. “You have never hurt me. I know you’ve been through hell and back, but it’s not your fault. Life’s messed up and unfair.”

“Kendall” Logan started “I…I’m sorry…I just…it’s so hard. Every day. And I do appreciate you so much but I just want to know why. Why did this have to happen?”

“Everything happens for a reason. I know life sucks, but the thing is you can’t give up. And that’s why we have each other and the others, to lean on when things get tough.”

“I want to do all those things you said before. I want to get married to you. And buy a house and have children. I want to grow old with you, Kendall.”

“Then please, just hang on. I know things are tough right now, but not forever.”

Tell me you won’t give up ‘cause I’ll be waiting if you fall
Oh you know I’ll be there for you

“Do you really believe I can do it? That I can beat this thing?” Logan asked, and the desperation in his voice, the way he was begging for Kendall to say yes, re-lighted the hope in his eyes.

“Do I think that you can overcome this?” Kendall asked incredulously, thinking if they really had just been talking about all of that before and wondering if Logan had forgotten what he had said already. Still, Logan thought that he had been saying this in a disbelieving manner and diverted his eyes downwards, picking at the bed sheets. Kendall huffed at his boyfriend’s naivety. Was it really that hard to see all the belief he had for Logan?

“Logan…I believe that you’re so strong, so determined and good willed that you can overcome anything in your way. Even this. This…this…thing” Kendall waved off the official word and decided on something that held no significance whatsoever. Its scientific name made it sound bigger than it was. It made the situation seem worse than it could make people immediately become pessimistic towards the disease. Even though it wasn’t good in the first place, they didn’t need to be made to feel even worse.

It was like…like the time when they were 9.


Kendall trudged his way through the snow that had settled the previous night as he made his way to one of his best friend’s house.

He was meant to be going over there to play on this new video game that Logan had been given by his grandma in their family visit to see her in Texas, but he didn’t really feel like playing video games now.

Things had changed at home recently. His father would go out a lot more than he used to. He was always saying that he was ‘just seeing some mates from work’ or ‘just going to the office to finish up some things’. Sometimes he just left, saying he would be back later and for his mother to not wait up for him.

Kendall had thought this strange at first. His father never really went out with anyone apart from his friends’ dads and he never had so much work that he needed to go back into the office on weekends or in the evenings. But it started to become normal and so he got used to it.

His mom didn’t really mind, she just nodded and didn’t think much of it. Her husband was a working man and he never was a very sociable person in the first place. Maybe this was a good thing.

But then he started going out earlier and staying there later. He started to miss dinner and Kendall could remember thinking that the steaming plate on the kitchen counter would get cold. Most times it did and his mother had to put it in the fridge. He always thought that his dad came home and then ate the meal, but after finding the same thing in the fridge the mornings after, he doubted that idea.

His dad always came home though. He always got there to bathe Katie and put her to bed and then he would come downstairs and help Kendall with his homework or talk to him about his day. If they had enough time, his dad would even take him out into the backyard and practice hockey with him. Those were the times that Kendall cherished.

However, a few months later his dad stopped coming home at reasonable times. He was always too late to bathe Katie and Kendall found himself having to ask his mother for help with his homework. She would always talk to him and spend time with him, even when his dad was there, but every boy needs their time with their dad. He was never there to put Kendall to bed anymore either.

Then one night, Kendall was woken up by the front door closing rather loudly and the sound of someone falling over their feet. He tried to go back to sleep, but the fumbling only got louder and as the noises went into what he supposed was the living room, the shouting started.

“Where were you, Charlie? Do you know what the time is?” his mother demanded, using the tone of voice that she used when she was interrogating Kendall when he had done something wrong.

“I was…out…with friends” his father muttered, slurring some words as he did so. Kendall found it odd that his dad was talking so funny.

“Oh don’t give me that again! It’s always that! Every day and every night you’re with friends. Or your just ‘out’” Kendall could imagine her air quoting that.

“Calm down, Jennifer. It’s no big deal…chill out. Is this because you and I haven’t seen each other as much recently?”

“No! It’s because you’re never here!”

“I’m always here when you need me, babe.”

“You’re not! And I bet that WOMAN on your phone can prove it!”

“What woman? You’re making things up now, babe.”

“Don’t you dare! I only went through your phone because you were concerning me. Then I found those photos and the messages. You’ve been seeing someone else.”

“I’m not, I swear!”

“You are. What would you say you’re doing when you’re never here?”

“It doesn’t matter-“

“Oh it does”

Kendall just sat silently in his room, tears slowly leaking down his face, listening. His mother continued.

“You think it doesn’t matter when you’re not home for dinner or to put the kids to bed? When Katie asks me where Daddy is? When Kendall wants you to do things with him but you’re not there and then I have to be the one that always tells him to wait until tomorrow? His face, Charlie! His face is the most awful thing I’ve seen. He hears that day in and day out. So you think it doesn’t matter? You’d rather be off with some woman than with your family. You cheated, not just on me, but on your children as well. I can’t put up with this anymore, Charlie and neither can they. I think it would be best if we got a divorce.”

Kendall then listened as his father cursed and swore at his mother, telling her how he pitied her the first time he saw her, how Katie was the spawn of the devil and Kendall was thick and stupid. He had said he was glad he had met this new woman.

And then he slammed the door and went out of their lives forever.

That morning, their mother had been doing everything and anything to make up for their father’s absence. At first she had changed the subject every time Katie asked where he was or when Kendall tried to talk about why they had been shouting. But she couldn’t avoid it for long and had eventually had told them some details. Katie went up to her room without seeing anything and Kendall had swiftly made his exit to Logan’s.

The ‘D’ word was so big. Once you heard that word, you knew it was serious. Kendall could remember learning about that word a few years ago when James’ parents had gotten divorced. But they had always been having arguments, so it came as no surprise to anyone. Also, they parted on even grounds, they shared everything and neither one of them hadn’t cheated on the other.

Kendall had never imagined he would see it with his parents. He never imagined he would hear that word about them or experience one of them leaving. But then he never imagined his Dad would cheat on his Mom, but he did.

Finally, he arrived at the large, blue cottage-like house that belonged to Logan’s family. There was no need for knocking on the door; they had passed that custom a long time ago. He entered, slinging his shoes off to the side and made his way into the living room.

Logan turned from where he was setting up a video game at the sound of shuffling, with a big grin, however that quickly dissipated when he saw how broken Kendall looked. His smile was replaced with a frown of concern, only made bigger as he wrapped his arms around his taller friend and the blonde started to sob. Slowly, Logan sat them both down on the couch and comforted Kendall as best as he could.

That night wasn’t spent playing video games like they had originally planned. Instead, when Logan had finally calmed him down enough to distinguish his incomprehensible whimpers, he had talked it through with him. Kendall didn’t hold back, he had told Logan everything, every last detail, even including what he had for dinner that previous night, but Logan didn’t stop him. And then when Kendall had broken down again after his confession, Logan had held him again.

And even though that big word, the one than made everything seem worse and so suddenly real was still lingering above them in the air, he knew that Logan would be there for him.


But now with this disease that Logan had, the word did make everything worse and there was no stopping it, no avoiding it either. They could only take every moment as it came and deal with it after. And Kendall knew that he would be there for Logan just like the time when they were 9 and their roles had been reversed.

Relationships were all about being there for one another. That’s the main thing. To be able to work, you both have to trust each other more than you trust yourself. If you lie, then a relationship is not there entirely. It has to be honest and truthful. It has to be a shared bond, where no one benefits more and it is equal. Kendall could often remember visits from his great-grandfather when he was little. He used to travel up for winter from his hometown all the way across the pond in Ireland, always having amazing stories to tell. He would spout these intricate, knowledgeable quotes that would often leave a 4-year-old Kendall confused and frazzled. He had been told only to remember these and that when he was older, he would understand.

“Comfort and love are shared amongst two that are eternally bound by the fruits of their passion and the strength of their souls. Hearts each have small silk strings, which for most of your lifetime toil unconnected until you find that one significant other with the exact same strings as yours. They match and are linked together for as long as you both breathe the air that is natural to you and your partner. It does not matter if the race, ethnicity, gender or age of that one other are the same or different. Just so long as your heart strings are tied and connected, you will always share the truest love imaginable.”

He may not have known it then, but now he realised that what his great-grandfather had been saying was that relationships didn’t matter. The relationship was only the surface and the feelings deep down into your very soul was the driving force that brought two people together and determined their fate. People were made for each other much like the air was made for breathing. Without it we would die and without them, our lives are much less satisfactory. Much less fulfilled and worthy of the life given. A perfect match is when two people love each other endlessly and would do anything for the other. They bear the consequences just so that their loved ones are happy. No one is complete until they have found their perfect match either.

Kendall knew that Logan was his perfect match for sure. He was positive because no one else in the entity of the world could make him feel like Logan did. At first when they had started to date, Kendall had been scared of his emotions towards the small brunette. They were so powerful at such an early stage that he couldn’t even process his actions half of the time. He didn’t know where the strong need and desire for Logan had come from, but it had been at least quintupled as they started holding hands and exchanging sweet kisses as a couple.

He had also been afraid of what his feelings would do to Logan. He knew he felt the same way, but to what extent he couldn’t measure. He didn’t want to make a move that seemed too sudden so early into their love life and make Logan timid towards the whole thing. He held back for so long, before realising that he didn’t just love the little ray of sunshine that he held in his arms, he was in love with him. That was the only explanation and Kendall was overjoyed when Logan admitted to having the exact same feelings as he did. They were both in love with each other.

They were perfect matches, Kendall was sure of it.

If only I could find the answer
To take it all away

“I wish I could do something though.” Kendall admitted with a sigh as he picked at the blanket on top of Logan’s lap.

Logan looked at him quizzically for a moment before replying “what?” he clearly didn’t know what his boyfriend meant.

“Well I don’t help you get better or anything. I should be able to do something, something more that will mean that you improve. This disease is stronger than me and I can’t help you like the doctors or the treatment can. I guess I just feel useless sometimes.”

Logan placed a hand on Kendall’s shoulder and when he refused to make eye contact placed one of his skinny fingers under the blonde’s chin, bringing his head up so that they were looking each other in the eyes. Logan smiled empathetically as he saw the tears brimming in Kendall’s eyes and wiped one silver track away as it trailed down the elder’s pale cheek.

“You listen here, Kendall Knight. You have done more for me than any treatment or medicine or doctor could ever do. You’re the medicine that I couldn’t live without and I’m proud to call you my boyfriend.” He punctuated his words with a soft, sweet kiss to the lips, both their eyes fluttering as they embraced each other. “And I thought we already went through this? Like…a million times?” he teased with a cheeky wink.

Kendall chuckled and his grin snuck back onto his face. He quickly blinked away the evil tears that had threatened to ruin the moment and sniffed slightly, clearing the air of all sadness. He then proceeded to bring out a bag from under the bed and produced a DVD of Miracle from the depths inside.

“Fancy watching an old favourite?”

They cuddled up on the small hospital bed together, Kendall embracing his smaller lover and kissing his forehead ever so often. They laughed at the funny parts together and repeated all the lyrics that they had committed to heart, which after many years of watching, was basically the whole movie.

Logan looked up in adoration when Kendall got up and performed his favourite speech from the movie. He was obviously joking, pulling faces, but he couldn’t help but notice how much it related to their situation in some way. Sure, they weren’t a hockey team or even playing hockey, but if one were to look at it from an abstract, thinking-outside-of-the-box-kind-of-way, you could replace the situation within the movie with their situation and the cancer.

“Great moments… are born from great opportunity. And that’s what you have here, tonight, boys. That’s what you’ve earned here tonight. One game. If we played ’em ten times, they might win nine. But not this game. Not tonight. Tonight, we skate with them. Tonight, we stay with them. And we shut them down because we can! Tonight, we are the greatest hockey team in the world. You were born to be hockey players. Every one of you. And you were meant to be here tonight. This is your time. Their time is done. It’s over. I’m sick and tired of hearing about what a great hockey team the Soviets have. Screw ’em. This is your time. Now go out there and take it.”

Because…yes cancer killed. It still did. Hell, nearly 12 people died around the world from some type of cancer each minute, and that was a scary statistic. But even though it took a frightening amount of people, it didn’t have to take Logan.

Because, like Kendall’s impression said, they weren’t going to let it win. It didn’t matter what happened before. That was totally unrelated. Those people weren’t Logan and that cancer wasn’t all those other cancers. It was Logan’s own form and one that he could beat. Together, they would help Logan to overcome it and battle through. They would never lose sight of the end, the light at the end of the tunnel that meant a happier and better future.

Cancer was old news. Nowadays, the disease was nothing more than statistics that you heard in the news bulletins on the television or casually swept over when there was a report on the subject in the newspaper. No one really noticed how many people were affected, yet when you told someone you were a survivor, they became in awe.

That was something to be proud of. The fact that you had overcome one of the modern world’s main killers, one of the biggest problems known to man apart from global warming and animal extinction. There were charities dedicated to finding cures – which hopefully someday there would be – and helping those desperately in need. The problem was huge. But when you had tackled one of those biggest problems and come out on top, then that’s when you got noticed. It was something to be proud of and Logan along with Kendall was determined that the brunette would be one of them.

This was Logan’s time and he was going to take it.

Sometimes I wish I could save you
 And there’re so many things that I want you to know
I won’t give up till it’s over
If it takes you forever I want you to know


A car pulled up on the gravel, disturbing the solitude of the area for just a minute before the peacefulness returned. A light dew hung from tree leaves and grass blades, looking much like little hats on small green heads. There was a mist lingering in the air that made the day’s temperature cooler than expected, but that didn’t matter.

What did matter was the occasion. This was no ordinary day; they were out to celebrate his life, his existence. He was always there for everyone and put others before his own needs. It may have led to his demise, but he wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. He would have wanted them happy and living life, not dwelling on his memory.

One of the doors on the silver BMW swung open so fast that it was surprising it didn’t snap off completely. Out of it came a small, blonde head, bobbing up and down with excitement. The small boy laughed slightly and it made the serious circumstances lift, bringing light.

Indeed the sun broke out onto the luscious lawns and brightened the atmosphere and its landscape. The birds awakened and sung their songs happily, whilst a gentle breeze blew away the leaves that littered the winding paths. The small blonde smiled and the sun seemed to grin back with ever-increasing intensity.

Then, another blonde came out of the driver’s side. He had a good build and well-defined features, laughter lines appearing along the creases next to his eyes. The man who looked to be in his early thirties stretched his arms, the muscles flexed and tightened showed off hard work and long hours of physically enduring and mental activity. He turned around and slammed his door, much like the boy had done but in reverse. The apple never fell far from the tree.

“Jacob, hold your horses, he’s not going anywhere. He’ll still be there if we take ten minutes or thirty.” The tall man chuckled, ruffling his son’s hair so that pouted and whined. He immediately went to rearranging his golden locks back into their rightful position when the hand released his head. He had definitely been around James far too much these past few days, the other blonde thought.

“But Papa! I want to get there real soon because I have something really important to show him!” Jacob replied, jumping up and down and clutching the item concealed in the pocket of his red sweatshirt gently.

“I still don’t know what you’ve got there, buddy. What is it, huh?” the father had been guessing for days now, ever since they had agreed to come here. Every time he was wrong…not a candy bar, or a macaroni bracelet he had made at kindergarten or even something hockey related. There was that apple again.

“Good things come to those who wait” Jacob said proudly, extremely pleased he had remembered one of the sayings that were constantly repeated over and over to him. Like when he had to wait on Christmas until after breakfast to open his presents. That always took forever since his little sister liked to draw with her food rather than eat it and he had to wait until everything was all cleaned up. But good things definitely did come out of waiting. He had gotten a pair of blue hockey skates that Christmas.

“Oh really?” the older man swiftly brought his son into his arms, running spidery fingers up and down his sides. The small boy wriggled and squirmed as he erupted in laughter. The small, bubbles of noise could be heard all around. “Because I think that you should tell me…otherwise the tickle monster won’t go away!” his son shrieked again and fought his way out of his father’s playful grasp.

“No, Papa. Bad Papa” the boy pointed a finger, waggling it as if the roles had turned around and he was the adult. He poked his tongue out, ruining the jokey facade he had going with the childish gesture, before he took off down the gravel path he knew well.

The father sighed heartily and walked behind, giving his 5-year-old room to have his own freedom and enjoy the time he had here. He knew Jacob wouldn’t get lost, he remembered the route like the back of his own hand. How could he ever forget it?

He watched as his son knelt down in front of a familiar silver stone, made from marble and took his time in making sure that all the flowers were standing upright like they should be. Jacob talked animatedly about anything and everything to the stone. But it wasn’t the stone he was talking to. No, he was talking to-

Suddenly, an arm wrapped around his chest and the hand that belonged to the limb was placed over his eyes, blocking the view of his son. He was brought back against a small chest and he could feel the person behind him was slightly stretched upwards, as if they weren’t as tall as he was.

“Guess who?” a soft voice whispered in his ear, hot breath ghosting along his bare neck, causing a shiver to run up his spine.

Kendall spun around and wrapped his arms around a smaller man. “The best person ever?” he guessed, pretending to think hard and long. The brunette man chuckled, showing off dimples and glistening eyes.

“Sorry we were so long. Cassie wanted to pick an extra nice bouquet for her Grandpa” the small man grinned and brought his gaze down to the little person gripping his own fingers, with her own blonde hair that fell slightly past her shoulders.

“Did Daddy let you choose the flowers, Cassie?” Kendall asked his daughter, smiling as she grinned up at him widely.

“Yes! Daddy flowers, Cassie choose” she replied, her broken English getting better each day. His husband let go of the small toddler’s hand and she wobbled over to her older brother, who smiled and took her hand, showing her what he had been doing. The two quickly focused on their Grandpa before him.

“It’s a shame that he never got to see them. He would have loved playing hockey with Jacob and spoiling Cassie rotten with little doll’s houses.” the smaller husband commented as he watched his children.

“He would have loved them, and they would have loved him, he was a great man. But he had a good life. He knew you would go on to great things and you have. Besides, they can still come see him. It’s not the same, but we will always keep his memory alive for them.” Kendall leant down and placed a soft kiss on his lover’s lips, so delicate it almost wasn’t there.

They held it there, keeping their eyes closed until their son called for them to look at what he was doing.

“Daddy! Papa! Look!” Jacob pulled a folded piece of card from his sweatshirt pocket, folded over sort of crookedly but that didn’t matter at all. There were lots of colourful pictures over every spare inch of the card and messy letters were scrawled inside.

“Grandpa” Jacob turned and addressed the stone “I made this for you, for your birthday. Daddy said it was today and then Papa said we were coming to see you, so I had to make it! I hope you like it, Grandpa.”

“There’s our whole family on the front. See? There’s me and Cassie and Papa and Daddy” he pointed to two smaller figures with half-yellow heads and taller ones, with arms longer than their legs. Kendall smiled when he recognised the spiky hair on his husband’s head and the massive eyebrows that took up mostly all of the figure’s face that resembled himself.

“And Grandma is there and Aunty Katie…she’s got a boyfriend now and Papa got kinda mad, but Daddy said it was because she was his little sister and he loves her. I might be like that with Cassie one day maybe” he shrugged and continued on.

“And then there’s James and Carlos with Lizzy and Layla” he pointed to the one with the most carefully drawn hair on the card and the one with what seemed to be a helmet. A year after Jacob had been born; James and Carlos had adopted twins. Jacob and the girls were best friends, inseparable.

“Then finally…and this is the best part ever…look!” Jacob thrust the card forward onto the stone fervently, almost as if he were imaging eyes on the marble or something. The two men couldn’t see what he was pointing at.

“What’s that Jacob?” The brunette asked patiently. When the 5-year-old got excited, he often left out what he was excited about.

“It’s Grandpa, Daddy!” Jacob exclaimed like it was obvious “he’s up in the sky looking down on all of us and he’s an angel, he is always there even if we can’t see him properly.”

The two men both blinked back small tears that were gathering in their eyes. It was 12 years ago that David Mitchell had passed away. Logan had still been battling cancer, but he had been improving steadily for a fee months. They had held into the small things that weren’t really noticed by anyone else, but because of the situation, meant the world to them.

Anyway, David had been doing everything he could for Logan and he neglected his own health. Sadly, his heart failed him and he passed on much earlier than he should have. It was a very torturous time for everyone, but obviously none more so than Logan.

The small brunette had become secluded, reserved and silent. His face held a blank countenance and for too long he never showed any emotion. He didn’t grieve for a long, king time and everyone grew worried for his sanity. Sure, he would talk, even if his sentences were short and far between, but he acted as if nothing had happened.

I wish I could save you

Kendall had feared for many days that all of Logan’s progress would be hindered and he would be sent on a backwards turn, a complete 180 and back to where he was before.

Then one evening, the one evening Kendall had left to go and get some coffee (it was the bane of his existence really, but anything to keep him awake for his Logie) the boy had let the damn break.

Kendall had come back to a puddle of a boyfriend, snotty and red-eyed, but he didn’t care. He sat, for hours on end with the small boy, until he had cried himself into a restless slumber.

After that night however, Logan had become more open and they talked about the things that were bothering him. The funeral was beautiful and many attended, some Logan didn’t even know, but he was glad that they all showed their support and came to honour the man’s memory. And then a private burial followed, with only family allowed to attend.

From then, Logan improved even more every day. Maybe it was a renewed strength within him or maybe it was to try to fill one of his father’s last wishes, but he improved steadily. Within a month, he was out of the hospital for the first time in almost a year, apart from that one day of the funeral.

His happiness fully returned and with that, his health. It was one of the most amazing, breathtaking days when they went back in for a scheduled check up and those two words were uttered out of his doctor’s mouth. They cried again, but this time from joy.

I want you to know

“It’s gone.”

They had propelled themselves full speed back into regular life, Logan hadn’t wanted to rest anymore, hadn’t wanted to do anything but get back out there and see the world. He caught up with all if his friends; he went to parties, saw famous places and lived life. And all with Kendall along for the ride.

Big Time Rush had also picked up again. They recorded, danced, played concerts and sold out tours for many years to come. And after a long run of over 5 years, the now 26-year-olds called their time.

Gustavo had cried. As unbelievable as that sounded, the hard-faced man shed a few tears, even though he would deny that now. They were his dogs. Turned from small puppies with tails between their legs into dominant alpha males who he was immensely proud of and wished all the best of luck to. He still visited. The children loved a visit from big old Gussy, which was how Cassie had grown to call him.

Jacob came that same year, through a new emerging method of science that meant no female was needed. This was 2026 after all. The boy possessed bright blonde hair and a lean build that could have come from Kendall, but the eyes were so unmistakably Logan, big, round and chocolate-brown.

Cassie had been born the same way just two years ago and completed their small, yet perfect family of 4. Her little giggle brightened every room and her habits just screamed what a little Logan would do, which Kendall was extremely pleased about also. And again, those gorgeous eyes.

And now, as Kendall held his small, but healthy husband close, he couldn’t have wished for anything more. They were whole and perfect and happy. Everything he could have dreamt and wanted after was right here in front of him.

He smiled as he realised all they had overcome. The good times and the bad. But no matter what, they had stayed on top, they had never let the cancer or the negatives win. They carried on and dealt with things as they arose.

Living for the moment, Kendall recalled his mother telling him. Yes, they certainly were living for the moment, but that was a good thing.

And as Kendall and Logan joined their children on the ground, smiling and laughing, he realised that this moment was how he had wished that everything would turn out to be.

And he never wanted this perfect moment to end.

I wish I could save you

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Accidentally In Love part 1

Okay, Logan, don’t freak out. There’s a logical reason for this, Logan told himself as he paced in front of his bed. He racked his mind for any logical reason he could think of, but he drew a blank.

His thought process, or lack thereof, was interrupted when he heard a loud thud coming from the living room. The sound was followed by more thumps and muffled arguing. He sighed and exited his room to find James and Carlos wrestling on the floor.

“What are you guys doing?” he asked, folding his arms as he watched Carlos put James in a headlock.

“Watch the hair! Watch the hair!” James exclaimed, waving his arms around before pushing against the arm his head was trapped in. Carlos raised his other arm and roughly gave James a noogie, promptly messing up his hair.

James let out a shrill cry, using his legs and tossing himself and Carlos across the floor, pinning him down. “Oh, so you wanna play dirty, do you?” James growled at Carlos.

Carlos lifted his shoulders slightly, being trapped under James weight saying, “Bring it!”

“Guys!” Logan yelled, trying to get their attention. When both boys looked to him, he asked again, “What are you doing?”

James glared at Carlos. “He used the last of my cologne!”

“You said I could!” Carlos retorted.

“I said use the non-expensive one!” James snapped.

“Since when do you have non-expensive things?!” Carlos asked. James went still for a moment, before nodding in agreement.

“But did you have to use the one that was almost empty? I was saving it for my date tonight!” James shouted.

“Well maybe next time you should be more specific!” Carlos stated, pushing James off him when he felt his grip on him loosening.

Logan rolled his eyes as the two continued to argue. He went over to the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water. He didn’t bother with breaking them up since it was now only a verbal argument, and honestly he could use the distraction. He placed his forearms on the counter, opening the bottle and watching his friends argue over the cologne issue.

The volume of their words rose and he missed the sound of the front door opening. “What’s going on?” Kendall’s voice cut through their yells and made all of their heads turn towards him. “What are you two arguing about this time?”

Kendall rolled his eyes when his answer came in them shouting and pointing at each other. They were right back to their argument. He walked over to Logan and stood beside him.

“I’m assuming it’s not a big deal?” he asked the genius of the group. Logan swallowed inaudibly and scooted away from the blond.

“Carlos used the last of James’ cologne. The cologne he was saving for his date tonight.” Kendall nodded in understanding. “Well, I’m gonna go meet Camille.” Logan made quick haste to the door and left, going to the elevator.

…BTR…

“Logan!” Camille said with a smile when she opened her door and saw him there. “Hey, what’s up?”

Logan jammed his hands into his jean pockets and shrugged. “I was just wondering…” Camille smiled up at him, her eyes bright. “…If you wanted to…you know…hang out?”

Before he knew what was happening, his cheek was suddenly stinging. It took him a few seconds to grasp the fact that she had just slapped him.

“Ow…” he mumbled, putting his hand on his abused cheek.

“I’d love to,” she answered, grabbing his hand and stepping out into the hall. She pulled her door closed with her other hand and led him down the hall to the elevator.

…BTR…

Logan allowed Camille to convince him to go to the mall. He also allowed her to convince him into taking photos in one of the photo booths. They made silly faces in one, stuck their tongues out at one another, gave each other bunny ears in the next one; he kissed her cheek in the second to last one, and she kissed his lips in the last one.

He looked them over with her, his smile falling as he looked at the last one. It may seem like they were happy in love, but every time they kissed, he felt no spark. He felt her hand slip into his and she led him further into the mall.

…BTR…

After spending all day with Camille, Logan finally found himself in his and Kendall’s room. Logan sat on his bed keeping himself deeply engulfed in the book he was reading, allowing the contents of each page to fill his mind.

He was determined to rid his mind of the thoughts that had been plaguing him for the past few weeks now. Now that his main distraction was back in her room after hours at the mall, he had to resort to his original distraction. This was a method he used when he literally couldn’t think of anything but the unwelcome thoughts. Reading used to be mainly about wanting to learn or refresh his memory on things he has learned. But now it was his way of distracting himself.

Sadly, this only worked when his reason for these thoughts was out of the room. When he heard the front door open and the sound of Mama Knight and Kendall’s voices, he knew he would have to come up with more effective ways of clearing his head.

He closed his book with a sigh and leaned against his pillow more firmly. A few weeks ago he had what would be seen by most people as a common, innocent interaction with Kendall. The one thing they did a lot was wrap their arms around one another’s shoulders in a brief one-armed hug. Except this time, he felt…something from the contact. Instead of it just being a simple casual hug, he actually felt something he used to feel when he hugged Camille—albeit more intimately—but still. His heart had practically jumped out of his ribcage the moment he felt Kendall put his arm around him. And he blushed…majorly. He had to claim it was sunburn when James asked him why he was so red. After that statement, he took off, claiming he was going to put some more sunscreen on.

Since then he had been so confused on what the change was and where it was coming from. Mainly, he was trying to figure out a way to remedy it before it got out of hand. He tried spending more time with Camille and that only succeeded in him noticing a lack of that something special he once had with her. Now all he felt was guilt for leading her on, but he needed her. She was a great distraction…and a cover up.

He also tried spending less time around Kendall. But being roommates, he could only avoid him for so long. In fact, he noticed that the less time he spent around the blond, the stronger his heart pounded when he finally did see him again.

He had gone so far as to avoid sitting next to him during meals, when they watched movies, and when they were rehearsing a song and a dance. Some of these things he changed really threw the group as a whole off, so he eventually gave in and went back to the way things were, for the rehearsals at least.

All in all, he did not like this change one bit. He was glad that no one seemed to notice anything was off about him or between him and Kendall. Not even Katie was looking at him like she knew something was up. He sometimes wondered if Kendall could sense a change.

Probably too caught up in Jo, Logan thought with some malice in his mind. He felt his stomach drop at the obvious jealousy he was feeling. Oh, God, this isn’t good… He jumped out of his bed, book forgotten and bolted to the door, yanking it open and running right into a hard wall. He staggered back, shaking his head.

“Ow, geez, Logan, what’s the rush?” Kendall asked, rubbing his chest from where Logan had collided into him.

“I-I I just…” Logan stumbled over his words, this being his first time today looking directly at Kendall. His heart was racing as he looked into his green eyes. He shook his head once more to clear his mind. “I think I left something at Camille’s.”

Kendall nodded, walking into the room. Logan walked past him to leave, but Kendall calling his name stopped him. “Actually, could I talk to you about something?” Logan turned, seeing Kendall sitting on the edge of his bed.

“Uh…sure, of course,” Logan said with a nod, shutting the door and sitting beside his best friend, but not too close. “What’s up?”

Kendall remained silent for a moment, staring straight ahead in thought. Logan shifted slightly beside him, conflicted between wanting to be around Kendall and feeling the need to flee at the same time. “Jo and I have been having issues for a while now,” Kendall finally said. Logan looked at him, seeing the distress and pain in his expression. “No matter what we do, we always end up arguing over something.”

Logan remained silent, not sure if there was more Kendall wanted to say. He cursed himself mentally at feeling some sort of happiness over their dilemma. He really needed to get out of there.

“What should we do, Logan?” Kendall asked, looking over at the brunet. Logan bit his lip, averting his gaze away from Kendall.

“Um, well…have you guys been spending all of your time together?” he asked. Kendall nodded. “Maybe you guys should take a break. Take some time for yourselves?” he offered uncertainly, not sure if the blond would like the idea.

Kendall thought about it and a huge grin spread across his face. “I didn’t even think of that! Logie, you are such a genius!” He pulled Logan into a tight hug, capping the affectionate gesture off with a kiss to his cheek. “I’m gonna go talk to Jo now. Thanks, Logie!” he exclaimed, and was up and out of the room in seconds.

Logan sat stock still where Kendall had left him. His body felt numb from the hug and his cheek was literally tingling from the kiss. His heart was racing faster than it ever had before and he could hear it pounding in his ears. “Oh, God,” Logan mumbled to himself. This was bad, very, very bad.

He stood from the bed and left the room, making his way slowly out of the apartment. He needed to think.

…BTR…

Kendall found Jo out by the pool going over lines with Camille. He smiled as he approached them. “Jo?”

She looked up and smiled at Kendall. Camille went to get a drink, giving them some time alone. “Hey, Kendall,” she replied.

“I thought about how we’ve been doing nothing but fight, and I got some advice,” he began, looking at her to make sure this subject wouldn’t spark another argument. She nodded, waiting for him to continue. “Maybe we’re spending too much time together,” he said. Jo’s smile fell.

“Are you breaking up with me?” she asked, sitting up straighter.

“No, no, no!” Kendall said, shaking his head urgently. Jo relaxed. “Not really, at least. Maybe we should, you know, take a break?”

Jo glanced at her script for a moment before looking at Kendall. “A break? Like, take time for ourselves?”

“Yeah, some time apart. It’ll help with our constant arguing,” he said. Jo smiled.

“Sounds fine to me. So, what are the do’s and don’ts?” Kendall smiled. Logan was an absolute genius.

…BTR…

After discussing the terms of their break, Kendall left Jo to finish studying her lines and made his way back to 2J.

Exiting the elevator on their floor, Kendall stepped out and spotted Logan pacing outside their door. He raised an eyebrow and walked over to the shorter boy. “Hey, Logie, what are you doing?”

Logan jumped at Kendall’s sudden appearance and turned to face him. “U-um…” He couldn’t think at all when he was looking at or talking to Kendall. His mind just went fuzzy and all he could think about was Kendall. How beautiful his eyes were, his sweet voice, and those thick but adorable eyebrows of his that make no sense compared to his blond hair. And those lips…those sinfully soft, full lips that leave a lingering tingling aftermath on anything they touch. Logan had to fight the urge to touch his cheek, where the tingling sensation still resided.

Kendall watched Logan in confusion and concern. It wasn’t often Logan was at a loss for words, and this normally occurred when he was in trouble or extremely nervous. Now that he thought about it, Logan has been acting off for a while now. “Is someone bothering you?” Kendall asked, his tone taking on annoyance at the idea and a protective tone Logan recognized immediately.

Logan smiled slightly at the tone and shook his head. “No…I-I’m just trying to decide if I wanna…take the stairs or the elevator.”

Kendall’s jaw dropped. He couldn’t help it. He didn’t know what shocked him more-what Logan said, or the obvious sign that he was lying to him. Logan never lied to him. It was almost physically impossible for Logan to lie in general. But to him? Logan’s never tried, not once. But here he was, doing so, and poorly at that.

“Logie…”

“Did you and Jo talk?” Logan interrupted. Kendall sighed and nodded. “Great! Well, I gotta go!” He took off before Kendall could stop him. Kendall shook his head in confusion before turning to call back to Logan,

“Camille’s out by the pool!” Logan waved at him before getting into the elevator. Kendall furrowed his eyebrows before going inside the apartment. He sighed heavily when he found James and Carlos fighting about something else. “What now?” So much for thinking over Logan’s weird behavior.

…BTR…

Logan was two paces short of running out to the pool. Camille looked up when he came out and barely said his name before she was pulled from her seat beside Jo and into a fierce kiss.

Logan was searching desperately for that old spark he once felt with Camille, but there was nothing. He refused to relinquish his hold on her until he felt it. After a few more seconds, she pushed him back to breathe. “Logan?” she gasped, breathless from his kiss. He searched her eyes, seeing confusion and some hints of lust. “What’s going on?”

“Well,” Jo said with laughter in her tone. Both brunets looked over at her. “He was perfectly in character.” She pointed to the script. “‘Ethan rushes to Kristen’s side and pulls her into a desperate, passion-filled kiss’. Great timing Logan!”

Camille looked back at him. “Logan?” She searched his eyes for any ideas as to what was going on. He sighed, loosening his grip on her, but not letting go.

“I-I have to talk to you…”

…BTR…

Kendall sat on the couch, cheek resting in his palm. He was dimly aware of Carlos and James arguing over their game, but was too thoughtful to shut them up.

Finally, he had to voice his thoughts, “Have you guys noticed anything off about Logan?” They looked at him briefly before going back to their game.

“Dude, where have you been?” James asked. “Logan has been weird all month.” Kendall threw his arms out.

“Why didn’t anyone tell me this?” Kendall asked.

“You’ve been busy with Jo,” Carlos said with a shrug. Kendall rolled his eyes.

“That doesn’t mean I don’t wanna know when something’s wrong with one of my friends!” he exclaimed. “Do you think it’s about him and Camille?”

“Beats me. He hasn’t complained about her, and you know he would if it was about her,” James said.

“So he hasn’t told you guys anything?” he asked. They shook their heads. Kendall sighed once more. He didn’t like this.

…BTR…

“Logan, what is it?” Camille asked after they walked to the park. She grabbed his hand, lacing their fingers together, leading him to a tree where they each took a seat.

Logan stared at their intertwined hands for a few seconds before looking away with a breath. He didn’t know how he was going to tell her everything. He knew he couldn’t keep using her. Maybe once he got this out of the way, he could focus on dealing with everything else. That’s if Camille took it well, which he doubted.

First thing he did was pull his hand gently out of Camille’s. He could feel her eyes on him. “Camille…”

“Logan, talk to me,” she said, turning his face towards her so their eyes could meet.

Logan searched her eyes briefly before going into his explanation. “I-I’ve been…using you as a distraction for the last month. I haven’t felt any attraction for you since…”

Camille looked hurt and confused. “Logan, what are you talking about?” He sighed heavily.

“Camille, I do like you. It’s just…”

“Someone else?” she asked softly. Logan took her hand and held it, squeezing it softly.

“It’s complicated,” he said, keeping eye contact this time. She looked heartbroken, but nodded slowly. “I really didn’t mean to hurt you,” he said, squeezing her hand again. “It’s just…I wanted to make this work. I was hoping that spark would come back, but…”

“Tell me about the situation?” she asked. Logan looked away immediately.

“I don’t think I can…”

…BTR…

James and Carlos watched Kendall pace in front of them. They had to pause their game when Kendall’s pacing started and blocked the TV. “Kendall, why are you freaking out?” James asked.

“Yeah, it’s not like we all haven’t had problems before,” Carlos added.

“I know! But Logan normally says something!” Kendall said. He looked at them, but was met with blank faces. “Guys, Logan normally says something!” he repeated, as though saying it another time would make them see this as the huge issue he saw it as.

“Maybe Logan wants to solve this issue himself,” Carlos suggested.

“Yeah, you can’t expect him to run to us over every little thing, can you?” James asked. Kendall sighed and sat down beside them with a huff.

“I guess not. But I’m gonna talk to him later,” he said. The two nodded and resumed their game.

…BTR…

“Logan, you can talk to me. I’m not upset about you liking someone else. If you can forgive me for kissing James, then I think it’s fair to hear you out about what’s going on,” Camille said gently, rubbing his back.

“The problem is I still have a lot to think about,” he told her. “And I would rather not think about it.” She nodded in understanding. He looked at her. “Thanks for not hating me,” he laughed lightly. “And I really am sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it, Logan,” she said, hugging him. “We’re still friends.”

…BTR…

Kendall looked up from watching his friends play their game when he heard the door open. He fought the urge to jump up when he saw it was Logan coming in. He really wanted to question him, but he could tell by looking at him that now wasn’t the best time to do so.

Logan stopped and looked at the TV, contemplating if he wanted to sit and join his friends. He looked at Kendall and decided to go into his room instead. So he turned and made way for his room, shutting the door behind him.

Kendall frowned and looked back at the game. Maybe he would talk to him sooner than he thought.

Logan kicked his shoes off and lay on his bed. All he accomplished was breaking up with Camille. So now he had a half guilt-free mind of falling for Kendall. But there was still Jo, and the fact that Kendall was straight. But at least on his end no one could get hurt. Except himself.

He sighed and grabbed his book from the foot of his bed and sat up, resting against his pillow and opened it and began to read.

He read for about an hour, getting engrossed in the plot of the story. He didn’t acknowledge the door opening and closing and Kendall sitting on his bed across from him. “Logan,” Kendall called softly.

Logan jumped and looked at Kendall in surprise, not knowing he had entered the room. “Hey Kendall,” he replied, going back to his book. Inwardly he was panicking.

“So, Loges, I was thinking, how about you and I hang out for a little while?” he suggested with a smile. Logan eyed Kendall uneasily.

“I have studying to do later,” he replied, looking back at the page he was reading. Normally he would have jumped at the chance to spend time with Kendall, but he was suspicious of the blond’s intentions.

Kendall’s expression dropped at the rejection and he nodded, seemingly in shock at the words that Logan said. Honestly, he could tell Logan was lying and it pained the blond to see it happening twice in two hours’ time. Since when did Logan feel the need to lie to him? Has Logan been lying to him this past month and he’s only just now noticing it? The idea sent a pang of hurt into his heart.

He watched the brunet reading his book intently. Kendall had the feeling that Logan was trying to avoid looking at or conversing with him. He stood from his bed and went over to Logan’s side, sitting down across from the shorter boy. Logan glanced at him before looking back at his book. Kendall watched him for a few seconds before covering the page Logan was reading with his hand. “Logan,” he said gently, making Logan look up to meet his eyes.

“Kendall,” Logan said, ready to stop whatever question he was going to ask.

“Don’t lie to me, Logan,” he said softly. Logan looked down. “What’s wrong?” Logan racked his brain for something to tell Kendall. Then he remembered Camille.

“Uh, well…Camille and I broke up today,” he said. Kendall looked surprised but he nodded slowly.

“I’m sorry, Logie,” he said, moving his hand from the book and rubbing his back affectionately. “I guess that makes us both single for a little while.” Logan nodded, not sure what to say.

The next day Kendall decided he would make Logan hang out with him. After their chat yesterday, Kendall realized how out of sync they were and he was determined to fix that. What better way to do so than by hanging out? He was looking forward to spending time with Logan again.

…BTR…

“Come on Logan, the pool awaits!” Kendall called from the living room.

Logan reluctantly left their shared room dressed in his swim trunks and a tank top, flip flops on his feet.

Kendall gave him an excited grin that made Logan blush slightly and smile in return. “Let’s go!” Kendall said, grabbing his wrist and dragging him from the apartment.

When they reached the elevator, Logan chuckled. “Kendall, it’s just the pool. It’s not going anywhere.”

“I know, Logie, but it’s the pool with you. When was the last time you and I hung out at the pool?” Or at all lately?

Logan looked down guiltily. He hadn’t realized how much Kendall missed him, or maybe he hadn’t wanted to think about it. He looked up when he felt an arm drape around his shoulders, smiling green eyes looking at him.

He smiled in return as the elevator dinged and opened. They stepped in, Logan very aware of the arm hugging him close.

Logan sat on one of the pool chairs while Kendall got a couple Smoothies for them. He missed hanging out with his best friend, but part of him was thinking of it as a date even though he knew it wasn’t.

He closed his eyes against the sun and listened to the sounds of talking and laughter, the occasional splash from the pool topping the joyous sounds off.

He heard the chair next to him make a squeak as Kendall returned. “Here you go, Logie.” Logan looked at him and smiled. “Strawberry mango.”

“Thanks,” he said, taking the drink and sipping it.

…BTR…

They drank their smoothies in silence and once they finished, the pool was empty, the occupants now sunbathing. Kendall grinned as he eyed his relaxing friend before standing silently. He tip-toed away from him quietly.

It didn’t take Logan long to sense Kendall’s missing presence. In fact, as soon as he left his side he felt it. He opened his eyes and looked around, sitting up slightly to get a better view behind himself. “Kendall?”

A sudden rush of wind and the blur of a person running past him made Logan blink as a familiar voice rang out, “Cannonball!” He watched Kendall submerge under the water and laughed lightly. He had definitely been spending too much time with Carlos.

Kendall surfaced, shaking his wet hair out of his face and swimming towards Logan. “Come on!”

Logan immediately shook his head no. Kendall pouted and Logan looked at his drink, stirring it despite the fact that it was empty.

“Logie… ” Kendall continued pouting at his best friend. Logan tried with all his might not to blush at the nickname, but he was pretty much putty in Kendall’s hands when he used it. And Kendall knows that. He doesn’t abuse it, so when he does use it he knows Logan will eventually cave. Luckily for Logan, Kendall uses the nickname more for affection than to get his way.

But not this time around.

“Come on, Logie, please?” Logan looked at Kendall, hearing the pout in his voice. He melted when he saw the infamous Knight puppy dog eyes trained on him.

Heaving out an overdramatized sigh, he set his plastic cup aside and removed his tank top, blushing once more even though he knew Kendall didn’t look at him like that. He set the shirt onto his chair after standing. He saw Kendall was waving at Jo and sighed.

He sat down by the edge of the pool beside Kendall and put his legs in the water.

Kendall examined his current position and smiled a smile that would have looked completely innocent to anyone else, but Logan knew Kendall. He saw the sudden twinkle in his eyes.

Of course, he saw it a second too late and he was soon pulled into the pool completely by his arm.

He gasped under the water and swam to the surface, coughing and sputtering as he tried to get the water from his system. Once he calmed he became aware of Kendall laughing. With a half-hearted glare he splashed him, effectively shutting him up.

Logan laughed, causing Kendall to smile as he recalled that it had been awhile since Logan laughed like that. It sent a warmth throughout his body at knowing he was able to bring that sound back.

He smiled wider when he saw Logan’s cheeks turn a pale pink under his gaze. Logan always blushed when he was being looked at longer than he was comfortable with. Being a celebrity obviously didn’t change that.

He splashed him back and soon a water war was unleashed.

When they had accidentally soaked the people surrounding the pool and Mr. Bitters came out yelling and threatening to ban them from the pool, they exited it and sat down in their pool chairs once more.

They were soaked from head to toe, but both were sporting huge grins that didn’t seem like they’d be fading anytime soon.

Kendall ignored Logan’s protesting as he dragged him along through the lobby. He didn’t tell his friend where they were going. Logan didn’t even know they were hanging out today. He had been intently reading one of his medical books when Kendall had snatched it and stated, “Let’s go.”

Now he was beginning to panic when Kendall led him to the Big Time Rush mobile. Wherever they were going, it must’ve been a ways away. “Kendall, it’s getting late. You know your mom will have an ulcer if she finds out we’re gone after dark.” He looked out the window, fidgeting with his hands nervously.

Kendall chuckled as he drove. “Remember when we were nine and camped out in my backyard?”

Logan blinked before smiling. “Yeah.”

“You wanted to roast marshmallows the real way, for s’mores. When my mom said no and made some with the oven, I could tell you were disappointed. I felt terrible that I couldn’t keep my promise.”

Logan blushed. He remembered that. He had been crushed. Kendall had promised they would make a campfire solely for the purpose of roasting marshmallows to make s’mores.

“Does that relate to where we’re going?” he asked, looking at Kendall. He examined his features as he awaited an answer. God, he was so beautiful… Logan’s eyes widened at the thought and he quickly averted his gaze back out the window.

Kendall smiled to himself. He had considered the fact that doing this was a little dramatic. The trouble they would be in was gonna be intense, but he found himself not caring. Sure they broke rules and got in trouble often enough, but this was another level. Staying out overnight without his mom’s permission was probably one of the craziest things he’d done…so far. But he was still determined to keep that promise to Logan. Even if it meant traveling a short-ish distance at night without permission to do so.

He glanced at Logan, noting the fidgety hands in his lap. He chuckled softly as he focused on the road.

Logan’s heart was racing as he watched them get further and further away from L.A. He could only imagine the trouble they would be in when they got home.

The sun had finally set. They were officially dead.

He jumped when he felt a hand cover his still fidgeting ones, stopping their movements. “Relax, Logie,” Kendall whispered. Logan’s cheeks heated up at the contact. He looked down at their hands and then at Kendall.

Kendall squeezed his hands reassuringly before pulling back to grip the steering wheel as he made a right turn.

Logan sighed softly, his hands tingling from the contact. He folded them in his lap and a few seconds later his knee started to bounce, replacing the fidgeting he had been doing minutes ago.

Kendall glanced at him once more and shook his head with a smile. Logan was adorable.

“Kendall… are you sure we should be doing this?”

“Logan, the worst punishment we may get is being grounded. Relax. We’re almost there now.”

It’d been a few weeks since they had started hanging out again and Kendall’s noticed a few things about himself and Logan that he was certain wasn’t there before.

Tonight he was gonna find out what that was.

Logan furrowed his eyebrows in confusion when Kendall parked alongside the woods on the outskirts of L.A.

“What’s going on Kendall?” he asked, looking to the blond for an answer. Kendall just grinned and exited the car, going to the trunk.

Despite his uneasiness, Logan got out of the car as well and went back to Kendall.

“Here,” Kendall said, draping a jacket over him. “It’s cold tonight.”

Logan smiled as he put his arms into the sleeves and zipped the jacket up. Kendall handed him some gloves and put a beanie on his head.

Once Logan was layered up, he did the same for himself.

Haunting Memories (Chapter 3)

After the boys were finished with their meals they headed back home.

“So what are we going to do now? Ohhh how about we go to the pool?” Carlos suggested happily.

Logan and James glared at him while Kendall didn’t even paid attention and went straight for the big orange couch.

“Oh. Sorry.” Carlos whispered guilty when he noticed his mistake.

They went to Kendall and sat down beside him.

Logan on his right side, James on his left and Carlos sat in front of them on the floor.

“You still don’t want to talk?” James asked quietly and as careful as possible, knowing exactly how easy you could get Kendall to build walls around him and refuse to show his emotions.

“What is there to talk about?” Kendall asked looking at his feet.

“Kendall, since it happened you never wanted to talk to anyone about it. You know that it’s not good to keep too much inside. We just want you to be okay,…” Logan begun.

“I AM okay!” Kendall yelled, suddenly angry again.

His friends backed off, surprised by his sudden outburst.

Kendall noticed how his friend reacted and calmed himself.

“Sorry guys. I didn’t want to yell at you.” he said looking back at his feet again.

“You have nothing to be sorry about.” Logan told him and patted his shoulder.

“Maybe you should have gone with your mom and Katie. It could have helped to distract you.” Carlos told him.

“But I don’t want to be distracted! That would mean I’m trying to forget about him and I won’t do that. Ever!” Kendall got louder again, feeling the tears starting to form and tried to fought the urge to let them fall.

That didn’t happen at his fathers funeral, not together with his mom and sister when they cried and never since then, so why should he cry now?!

“We didn’t mean it like that buddy. We just meant that it could have been good for you to make yourself forget about that day, not him…” Logan started, feeling uncomfortable.

The blond didn’t answer he still looked at his feed, trying desperately to keep the tears inside.

“Kendall. We just want to help… .” Carlos said, also feeling tears starting to form when he saw how much all of this hurt his youngest friend.

“I’m not the one who need help. My dad was the one who needed help but it came too late… .” Kendall said, voice cracking.

“You know, we don’t even know how it happened. We just know that it did happen…” James told him.

Now the blond looked up at them.

“Has nobody told you?” he asked them unbelieving.

They shook their heads.

“Everyone said if you want to tell us then it would be alright, but otherwise we shouldn’t ask or something like that…” Logan said.

“Oh.” Kendall replied.

Now he’s the one who feels bad. He knew that they all loved his dad too. They were all like a huge family.

When Kendall was in his room with them they never asked about the accident so the thought they just didn’t want to make him talk about it.

He didn’t knew that they had no clue how his dad died in the car crash.

Kendall thought for a moment while biting his nails until it hurts.

“Do you want to know what happened?” he asked quietly.

They all new that this was a big step for Kendall, now they have to be careful.

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want us to know.” Logan said.

“It is your decision. We’re not pushing you to do something.” James continued.

Carlos just nodded, agreeing with his friends.

“It okay guys, I know that you loved him too. It’s not fair that you never got told something.”

Kendall thought back to what happened that day, a memory he usually refused to think about. He knew it would hurt to talk about it, but it would help him to do it. Also it would be only fair to tell the boys.

Kendall started explaining what really happened before his dad died:

Kendall’s Flashback (2):

Kendall groaned when he woke up, feeling something warm trickle down his leg and a horrible pain everywhere.

He could smell smoke and blood but urged himself to open his eyes.

He blinked several times before he was able to open them completely.

He looked around where he was but couldn’t make out something.

He started to feel panic raise in his chest and tried to calm himself, knowing it would make everything worse if he panicked.

‘What happened?’ he thought, still trying to make out where he was.

And the he noticed it.

He was in his dads car. But something was wrong.

It was flipped over and he laid across the roof in the inside. Obviously his seat belt has ripped cut and he landed here.

He made a move to sit up but a sudden pain in his leg stopped him dead in tracks.

“Ahh!’ he cried out, overwhelmed by this new pain.

He carefully looked down at himself, ignoring the strong and painful throbbing in his head and saw that his leg was not only broken, his flesh was torn and you could see the bone clearly even when it’s so dark.

His leg was twisted and laid uncomfortable.

There was so much blood. He had broken bones before, thanks to hockey, but it never hurt like that.

But still there was way too much blood to be alone from his leg.

He looked to his left, where was his dad? How was he?

He tried to see something through the dark but after a while he was sure his dad wasn’t in his seat anymore.

Kendall felt tears tickle the back of his eye and made little moves to get out of the car.

He needed to get to his father.

Not knowing in what condition his dad was made Kendall’ stomach queasy.

“Dad?” he rasped out. Shocked when he heard his own voice so hoarse and weak.

The blond cleared his throat and tried it again a little louder.

“Dad?”

No answer.

Kendall crawled through his window, not caring if he could hurt himself even more because of the shattered glass.

He fell out of the window and hit the floor hard.

“AAHHHRG!” he screamed out. He was in an unbearable pain, but he ignored it.

He has to find his father.

“Where are you dad?” he sobbed quietly.

“Kenny?” he heard his dad’ voice and almost jumped from joy.

“Dad?!” he called back, trying to make out where he was.

“I’m hear..” he heard him again.

The little blond followed the sound of his voice until he was on the front side of the turned car.

What he saw there almost made him throw up.

There his dad lay. His flesh ripped open with blood running down and covering almost his whole body.

Ken’ face was covered in deep, painful looking cuts and was whiter that the snow.

But the worst part was the huge piece of metal which stung out of his stomach where he had his hands around it.

When the older man saw his little son crawl over the floor, hurt and bleeding it broke his heart which hurts worse than his body itself.

He fought himself to smile at Kendall.

That was it for Kendall, he turned his head to the side and threw up heavily.

The heaves hurt his body to no end, he felt his ribs crack more with every new heave.

“Kendall. Come here please.” his father called for him, wanting nothing more than comforting his little boy and because he couldn’t move he needed to call him.

The blond, panting heavily moved over the few meters to his dad.

When he arrived his body hurt even more, which he thought wasn’t even possible but was proved wrong.

Ken opened an arm as best as he could and Kendall crawled in it, burying his face in his side and started sobbing.

“No, c’mon big man. There is no need to cry. Everything will be fine.” he tried to calm the terrified boy even if he knew he was not telling the truth.

Kendall just started sobbing harder. He wasn’t stupid, he knew that what his father said were lies. But he wanted to believe it so badly.

“Shh. You’re okay. You’re okay.” he stroked Kendall’ sweet and blood covered hair.

Finally the young blond was able to stop sobbing but the tears continued running down his eyes constantly.

“Daddy…”he looked up at him, green eyes meeting green eyes.

It shattered Kens heart when he heard his son call him in such a frighten voice.

“I know buddy. Don’t worry okay?” he said, not sure how to response.

“How could I not worry dad. I-I want to help you.” he pleaded.

Kens eyes started watering.

He didn’t want to tell his 10-year-old son that there was nothing he could do to

stop what’s going to happen.

“Actually there is something important you can do for me.” he told him.

“Really?” Kendall asked, a little bit hope starting to grow.

“Yes. You can promise me something… .” he continued.

Kendall’ face fell again, tears getting bigger.

“Can you promise me something?” he asked when his son didn’t response.

The blond nodded slowly.

Ken looked him deep in the eyes and tighten his hold on Kendall which was still so weak.

“Kendall. I need you to take care of mommy and your little sister when… when I can’t do that anymore.” he started.

“But-but daddy, why won’t you be able to do that anymore?” Kendall asked unusual naïve.

“Oh Kenny, why are you making it so hard for me?” he asked sadly and quiet so Kendall couldn’t really hear.

“Sometimes” he started and took a deep breathe, noticing how hard it was to breath. “people have to leave, even if they don’t want to.” he sadly.

Kendall nodded. He knew what dead was, but he just thought only old and sick people would die. This was new for him.

“And I’m not sure if I can be here long enough to take care of your mom, you and your sister.” he said.

“I don’t understand this, where will you go when you won’t stay here?” he asked.

“I will go to a wonderful place where I’ll wait for you until you join me.” he smiled no longer able to hold back the tears when he saw Kendall’ face.

Kendall knew exactly what his dad was talking about but he didn’t want to believe it.

“I don’t want you to go dad! Please stay with me. Don’t leave me alone.” Kendall pleaded holding tight at his father.

“I’m so sorry, I can’t help it Kendall. I don’t want to leave either.” he said and laid his head on Kendall’, carefully so he won’t hurt his injured son.

“Kendall, we need to call help. Can you please take my phone out of my left pocket and call 911?” he asked him.

Kendall did as he was told and made a quick call but not without crying. He thought he has never cried this much and this long in his life.

They promised him help would come as soon as possible and they should hang on.

They hugged each other again, enjoying the warmth.

They cried together for about an hour or two, none of them saying anything.

Ken could feel that he got weaker by the second. He needed to stay awake, he doesn’t want to imagine what it would be like for Kendall if he died with him in his arms.

But he felt so tired, why wasn’t help already there?

Ken decided to do something. He won’t let it happen that he fade away while holding his son awake so he could see everything.

“Come on buddy. Maybe we should sleep a bit.” he said, trying to smile.

Kendall looked at him.

“You’ll be there when I wake up, right?” he asked quietly.

“I’ll always be with you Kendall. Even if you can’t see me I’ll never leave you, your mom or Katie. I love you.” he said.

Kendall started crying softly again.

That wasn’t the answer he wanted, but he knew that his dad couldn’t give him the answer he wants to hear.

“I love you too daddy.” he said and buried his face in his dad’s side again.

“Good night Kenny.”

“Sleep well dad.” he said.

With that they both fell asleep.

End of the flashback

X

x

… the boys in apartment 2J listened to every word the blond said. By now all of them were tearing up and tried not to let the tears fall.

“When I woke up there were paramedics around me. They asked me questions like ‘What’s your name?’, “Where does it hurt?’ and things like that.

I didn’t know what was happening. I just knew that everything hurts

I tried to crawl more into my father, getting away from too much attention but I noticed how cold and stiff he suddenly was…

I looked at him and- and saw that he was dead.” Kendall told them. He talked as if he was in trance. Totally lost in this horrible memory.

“I remember that I started screaming. Screaming at my dad to wake up, screaming at the paramedics to leave…I just…screamed.

They dragged me away from him and put his body in this huge corpse bag.

I wasn’t allowed to stay with him. Then all I remember is that I fell asleep in the ambulance and woke up in the hospital with all of you around me.” Kendall finished his story with a sign and returned to reality.

Logan, James and Carlos just sat there, not knowing what to say after they heard what their friend had to go through in such a young age.

Before any of them could say something the door to the apartment opened and Mrs. Knight and Katie entered.

“Hello boys, how ar- what happened?” she started but when she noticed the looks on each boys’ face got worried.

None of them answered.

“Boys? Oh god, what happened?” she asked dropping her stuff and got to the four teens.

Katie stayed uncomfortable in the doorway.

“Nothing happened mom. I just told them about dad.” Kendall said, not wanting his mother to worry without any reason.

“Oh.” she said and sat down beside her son when James went over and made space for her between them.

“How was your trip?” he asked, wanting to change the topic.

“It was…okay I guess.” she answered him honestly. She didn’t want to lie to her son, knowing he would notice.

Kendall nodded and looked to the floor.

The mood in the room was heavy.

“I told them about the accident.” he told his mother quietly.

Mrs. Knight looked from her son to James, to Logan, to Carlos and back to Kendall.

“Really?” she asked him a little surprised.

He nodded.

“I didn’t know that nobody ever told them how he died.” he told her.

“Because none really did Kendall. You refused to open up, that’s why we got you a therapist. He told us that if you feel ready to talk that you would and we shouldn’t make you.” she admitted.

“Oh.” was all he said.

Then he wrapped his arms around his mother and took in her familiar odour .

“Thank you for everything. I know that it was so hard for you. I love you

mom.” he whispered in her ear, not wanting anyone else to hear the words which only were supposed for his mother.

She smiled. “I love you too honey.”

“So, who is hungry?” she asked everyone with a smile.

Everyone’s mood was better and after a while they all sat together eating.

A few hours later:

Kendall was fast asleep in his bed when he heard a knock on the door and quiet footsteps enter the room.

He cracked his eyes open and sat up a little to see his sister with eyes full of tears standing beside his bed.

“Katie?” he asked worried.

“Uhm…would you-would you mind if I sleep here for the night?” she asked him quietly and ashamed.

He smiled at her, knowing how she felt and made space for her on the mattress.

The other boys were all snoring softly and didn’t even notice that Katie was there.

She crawled under the sheets and wrapped her arms around Kendall’ waist while burying her face in his chest and relaxed by the steady beat of his heart.

“Kendall?” she asked again.

“Hmm?” he responded while stroking her hair.

“Could you sing that song you used to sing when I was younger?” she asked him, feeling stupid for acting so young but needed it at the moment.

“Of course.” he smiled and gave her a kiss on the forehead.

With that he started singing Be Still by the Fray.

He sang this song to her when they were younger every time before she went to bed.

It was the song Ken used to sing to Kendall when he was younger.

Be still and know that I’m with you
Be still and know that I am here
Be still and know that I’m with you
Be still, be still, and know

When darkness comes upon you
And covers you with fear and shame

Be still and know that I’m with you
And I will say your name

If terror falls upon your bed
And sleep no longer comes
Remember all the words I said
Be still, be still, and know

And when you go through the valley
And the shadow comes down from the hill
If morning never comes to be
Be still, be still, be still

If you forget the way to go
And lose where you came from
If no one is standing beside you
Be still and know I am

Be still and know that I’m with you
Be still and know I am

When Kendall sang the last word he gave the now asleep Katie one last kiss on the forehead and closed his eyes, ready let sleep overtake him.

Maybe he couldn’t get his father back, not for his mother, not for himself, not for Katie.

But he could make sure his sister and mother wouldn’t feel alone. He’d be always there for them.

And his father would watch them and make sure they are all okay. Just like he promised.

Life goes on and so do they.

Haunting Memories (Chapter 1)

LA is beautiful, the sun is shining, the wind is not too strong, not too mild and everything seemed fine.

Everyone at the Palm Wood seemed in a good mood, even Bitters.

Except for four teenage boys.

Kendall and his three best friends, James, Carlos and Logan, which are a world-famous band called Big Time Rush or short BTR which live also in the Palm Woods overslept big time, because they forgot that Mrs. Knight and Katie were out-of-town for the day and couldn’t wake them up like they always did.

Katie and her mother decided to go to San Diego for the they so they could have a bit time for themselves and distract.

“GUYS! Has any of you seen my helmet?” Carlos, the ‘funny one’ and oldest of the group yelled, desperately trying to find his helmet which he always wears.

“No! Where have you seen it last?” Logan, the ‘smart one’ and second oldest of

BTR yelled back at him.

“Don’t you think if I’d know that I wouldn’t be searching for it right now?” The little Latino gave him a due look.

Logan just rolled his eyes and continued to hurry, getting ready so they won’t be any later.

“James! Are you STILL in the bathroom?!” Logan yelled for his friend.

“Perfection needs time!” James, the ‘pretty one’ and second youngest yelled back through the closed bathroom door.

“Whatever. Just hurry up! I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be yelled at anymore than necessary!” Logan told him.

“Hey Logan?” Carlos asked.

“Oh Carlos, for the last time: No, I don’t know where your helmet is! If you’d take more care of your things this wouldn’t have happened again!”

“That wasn’t what I meant.” he said.

Logan turned around, noticing something was different in his voice.

“Have you seen Kendall?” he asked worried.

“Not since we all woke up this morning and hurried to get ready and he stayed in bed. I hope for him that he isn’t in his bed anymore.” Logan said in a pretended dangerous voice.

Logan went to go to their shared room when Carlos stopped him.

“What?” Logan asked.

“You know what day it is, right?” Carlos asked him.

“Uhm, Friday, why does it matter?” he asked confused.

“No, I mean the date…you remember what happened a few years ago?” Carlos continued, hoping his younger friend would get what he was trying to say.

Logan thought for a moment and then it hit him. Hard.

“Oh god, I totally forgot!” He said, suddenly feeling very bad and guilty.

“But I guess he didn’t.” Carlos said sadly.

“But still, we have to go to the studio. I’ll go wake him up. Do you want to join me?” Logan asked.

“Sure.”

The two friends made their way to their room to wake Kendall up. But when they entered they saw Kendall already showered, fully dressed and ready to leave sitting on the edge of his bed.

They stopped and stayed in the doorway to look at their youngest friend.

Kendall didn’t notice that Logan and Carlos had entered because he was too deep in his own thoughts.

He sat on his bed and looked at a picture he always has in his wallet.

A picture which reminds him on his best days and his worst day.

A picture he keeps with him everywhere he goes and made always sure it is still there.

“Hey man, you’re okay?” Carlos asked him quietly, bringing the blond back to reality.

“Oh, hey guys. I didn’t see you come in. Is everyone ready to leave?” he asked a little nervous, hating the fact that his best friends had caught him in such a weak and private moment.

“Almost, James is still in the bathroom, trying to look great.” Carlos said and rolled his eyes at the tallest of the band.

“Hey! What do you mean with TRY to look great?!” James barked when he entered their room too.

“I always look gr-” he begun but shut up when he saw whats going on in the room.

“Oh, is everything okay?” he asked, feeling bad he just cared for his look when his friends had much more important things going on and he didn’t knew.

“So, I guess we’re all ready to leave.” Kendall said and jumped off the bed, trying to get the attention off of him.

“Uh, yeah, but don’t you want to-” James tried to say but was cut of by Kendall.

“Come on guys. Do you want Gustavo to be even more angry at us than he already is?” Kendall tried his best to smile at them when he walked past his three best friends through the door.

“No. Let’s go.” Logan said, realising that it has no use to try to get Kendall to talk with them how he felt.

X

x

x

X

“Dogs!” Gustavo yelled in his normal loud voice.

“You’re late! Again!” He continued to scream at the four teenage boys which just entered his studio.

“Look Gustavo, today was pretty stressful and we’re sor-” James started before the big producer interrupted him rudely.

“Doesn’t matter! Now go, in the studio before we waste more time with talking.” Gustavo said.

The boys groaned and made their way to the studio.

One hour later:

“Okay, stop! STOP!” Gustavo yelled again and got hit in the arm from Kelly.

“What was that?!” he continued quieter.

“Uh…singing?” Carlos suggested.

“NO!” he yelled.

Kelly glared at him and he instantly calmed himself.

“THAT was not singing. You’re totally off-key. What is the problem?” he asked the band.

“Today is just not our day.” James told him.

Just now Gustavo noticed that it was always either James, Carlos or Logan which answered him.

His normally loudest dog, Kendall, who ALWAYS had to talk back was unusually quiet.

He changed a look with his young assistant which seems to notice that something was off about Kendall too.

She slightly shook her head and signalised him that he shouldn’t confront them and just let it by itself.

“Alright, how about you boys take a little break and eat and drink something and then we try it again.” he finally said.

“Thank you Gustavo” James said and they left the recording booth.

Kelly made sure they are out of sight before she turned to Gustavo.

“Do you have any clue what’s wrong?” she asked him a little worried.

“I don’t know. Maybe they really just have a bad day?” he suggested.

“Hmm” was all she replied, still thinking about what it could be which ….the leader of Big Time Rush.

X

x

x

X

“You okay dude?” Carlos asked his blond friend.

“Guys, for the last time. I’m fine.” Kendall said a little annoyed.

The whole day the boys are asking him how he feels, if he wanted to talk or if they could do anything for him and to be honest, Kendall was more that a little annoyed by now.

“When you say so. But you know you can always talk to us if you have the urge to, right?” Logan asked him.

Kendall just signed and looked at him. “Yes Logan, I know.” he said.

They sat on the white couch and ate and drunk while talking about random stuff until a few minutes later Kelly called them back in the studio.

After three more hours they were finally done and allowed to leave the studio.

“Okay, what are we doing today? If you’d ask me, I’d like to go eat something,

I’m hungry.” Carlos said in a good mood.

“Carlos, you’re ALWAYS hungry.” Logan said with a smirk.

“Hey, that’s not true!” the little Latino complained.

James just looked at him.

“Okay, I can eat often, but not always.” he admitted.

“Whatever.” James smiled.

“What are you in the mood for, Kendall?” Logan asked the youngest of the group.

“Hm?” Kendall looked up when he heard his name, not really paying attention to the conversation.

“What do you want to do?” Logan repeated himself.

“Oh, I don’t know. I’m fine with what you guys wan to do.” He shrugged.

“Oh C’mon, buddy. You have to be in the mood for something…” Carlos said unbelieving.

“Guys, really I’m not really in the mood for anything. I just want to get over with this day.” he told them.

That quieted the other three.

Kendall, noticing he just ruined the good mood felt bad and decided to just act like he is having fun.

“Alright, let’s go eat something before Carlos fells over” he smiled.

“Yey! Where are we going?” Carlos asked excited.

“Hm, how about Pizza?” Logan asked.

“No, I’d prefer Burgers.” James said.

“Then let’s go to Lucy’s Diner. They have Pizza AND Burgers.” Kendall told them.

“Ok, then what are we waiting for? I’m hungry!” Carlos said and was already on his way.

“Yo, Carlos. Wait for us dude!” James yelled after him and the others started running after him laughing about their friend.

What About Now

Summary: After finding his parents dead in their bedroom, Kendall and his sister Katie are adopted by The Mitchells. But, Katie, convinced that Kendall had something to do it, has turned her back on her brother. Kendall feeling alone and depressed turns to cutting and other things to relieve his pain. When Logan finds out about this can convince Kendall that it wasn’t his fault? AU. Genre: Angst/Hurt/Comfort Characters: Logan and Kendall

What About Now?

Chapter 1

He slowly walked up the to his parents in the attic. He wasn’t sure why he was up there, he just felt that he had to. He wasn’t going up there because he had a nightmare like he normally did when he went to his parents’ room.</p>

No. He like had to check on them. Even though he had just seen them merely hours ago when had come to his room to say goodnight to him before living for their own room. To him something didn’t feel right. No; not at all.

Something wasn’t right. He just knew it.

As he approached his parents’ he felt his palms starting to and his heart starting to race. He was getting really scared now. He didn’t know what he would find once opened that door. Hopefully his parents, asleep and in bed. But right now he wasn’t so sure.

He hoped that his minded was just playing tricks. That this was just a side effect from all the junk food that he had eaten before bedtime. He was seriously considering abandoning doing and going and climbing in bed with his older sister because right now he was seriously freaked out.

He took a deep breath as he put his on the door the knob and turned ever so slowly. He pushed the door ever slowly.

He froze.

And then he screamed.

Kendall woke up with a start, tears running down his as lay in his bed at the Palm Woods Orphanage. Sobs start to escape his throat. He had the seen it again.

His parents. Lying dead in their bedroom, a man hanging with a gun hanging them. It had been one of the horrifying things the merely fourteen year old boy had seen in his entire life.

After he had screamed, his older sister, Katie Knight, had come to see what he was screaming. Then to had screamed at the seeing the sight of her parents dead on their bedroom floor.

The rest of it was a blur to Kendall; the last thing he remembered was entering the orphanage clinging for dear life to his sister. The siblings had stayed together that night.

Not daring to leave each other’s sides for anything.

In the coming days since the murder the siblings had attended their parents’ funeral and learned even more terrible news.

They had to be put up for adoption.

They had no other family in which they could live with. Sure they had their grandparents but they were for old and frail to look after Kendall and Katie.

That was three months ago now and they still haven’t adopted. Katie, for reasons unknown to Kendall, had stopped talking to him. He felt so scared and alone now.

He didn’t dare try to make friends with any of the other kids at the orphanage. He that they would just turn their backs on him to like his sister seemed to have done. He was so alone and he hated that.

He wanted his parents back, but he knew that he wasn’t going to get them back. No matter how much he wanted it. And Katie; he wanted her back too. He wanted her to be that caring, loving sister that he had always known her to be. But it seemed like he wasn’t going to get that either.

He hated this. He all of this.

He heard his bedroom door opened as Ms. Kelly Wainwright, the lady who ran the orphanage, came to see why Kendall was screaming.

“Kendall? Are you okay, sweetheart?” She asked him as she sat down on the edge of his bed. He shook his head as he attached himself to her. She was the only one that he trusted now and it wasn’t uncommon for her to be his room in the middle of the night. “What’s wrong, sweetie?”

“I-I s-saw it a-again,” He sobbed, burying his face in the crook of her neck.

“Oh Kendall,” She sighed sadly. She hugged him closer to her and rubbed his back. She felt so bad for him, she did, of course she felt bad for anyone loses their parents but Kendall has not only lost his parents but it seems he’s lost his sister as well.

She just held like she did most and just let him cry out all his pain. After minutes, seeing that he had cried himself to sleep again, she laid him down under his covers and tucked him in.


Logan Mitchell followed slowly behind his parents as the entered the Palm Woods Orphanage. Today was and exciting day for them as they were looking to hopefully some new members into their little family.

Logan had been asking his parents for a new sibling for a while now and they had finally caved but with Logan being 16 clearly having a child the natural way would prove impossible so they had decided to try adoption.

Logan looked slowly around as woman approached him and his parents. He was so excited about he could barely control himself; he was just so excited about this. Ever since he was he had always wanted a sibling and now he was finally gonna the chance to have one.

Logan was brought out of his thoughts when he felt his mother’s hand on his shoulder telling him it was time to go inside and meet the kids. Logan’s parents had picked the child already, Logan was just meeting them for the first time and they would get to take the child home with them today.

They entered what looked like a small bedroom where a boy with blond hair and a girl with brown hair were waiting for them.

“Logan, would like you to meet your new brother and sister, Kendall and Katie Knight,” His mom told him gesturing to the boy and then the girl in turn.

“Hi,” He said with a friendly smile.

Katie smiled back at him and returned the hello while Kendall just looked at his feet, not meeting Logan’s gaze.

“Well, we’ll let you kids get to know each other while go and finish up some paperwork and then we can leave,” Mrs. Mitchell said as she Mr. Mitchell and Kelly exited the room.

“So… How old are you guys?” Logan asked calmly, though he was far from. He was so freaking happy; he thought he was only getting one sibling but now he’s getting two!

“Well, I’m sixteen and Kendall’s fourteen she said smiling. “How about you? How old are you?”

“I’m sixteen as well,” He answered.

“Aww! That means is the little baby!” Katie cooed. Kendall blushed hated it whenever someone called him a baby.

“I think that’s cute,” Logan said smiling at the shy blond in front of him.

“Thank you,” Kendall mumbled shyly. He had always been a shy person and he hated that.

After a few more minutes of just talking the three adults came back told the kids it was time to leave. As they left the room, Kendall hesitated. He was scared. He never really had been anywhere since he came to the orphanage except school. Logan noticed that Kendall wasn’t following them to the main lobby.

“Are you okay, Kendall?” He asked him. Kendall just shook his head with tears in his eyes. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m scared,” He whispered in a small voice. Logan made his way over to the smaller boy wrapped an arm around his shoulders, giving him a gentle squeeze.

“It’ll be okay, you’ll see,” Logan reassured as they followed everyone else out of the orphanage. Ready to start a new, hopefully life.

Chapter 2